Better Than Onions

CHAPTER 13

I nearly choke on air.

What.

"A what?" I echo weakly.

"A date" Shrek announces. He sounds like a way too happy about this but I'm too tired to care.

Which is weird since I always get 8 hours of sleep every night so, really, there's no reason why I should feel so... heavy... almost like I'm about to-

I don't finish the thought. I collapse in Shrek's arms.

***

"A date?" Dumblegore looks as shocked as I feel when I finally break the news to him. "When?"

"Tomorrow" I throw myself on my bed dramatically. "I hate my life"

There's a long silence.... and then-

"WHHAKSNSNDJDNJSNSNDJNDNSKDKSJS I SHIP YOU TWO"

"WHAT?" I shout. I jump down from my bed.

Dumblypop is jumping up and down with my life sized pillow of Edward that I got custom made for me.

"No" I grab his shoulders and force him down to look at me. "No. You are not allowed to ship me and Shrek"

"I ship it" he says obstinately.

"Forbidden" I say. "You're banned from saying my name and Shrek's in one sentence"

Dumbledore screws up his face, deep in thought.

"Fine" he says.

"Finally" I sigh. "I don't even know why you would ship us. I hate him. He's so rude, with his stupid chocolate brown eyes and his perfect green skin and his nice smell of-"

"Do you know who I ship with you? Shrek" Tumblydumblydumdore says.

"Dumbledore!" I protest. "I banned you!"

"From saying your name and Shrek's in one sentence... I said it in two"

"I hate you" I grumble.

"I love you two Jucka Wucka"

I close my eyes and suddenly I remember my kiss with Chris... it's strange how I've already forgotten it. I've had a crush on Chris since I was 9, he finally kisses me and I forget?? What is wrong with me??

"If you want to ship me with someone, ship me with Chris" I say and I tell him about our history and our kids. By the end, Dumbledore looks like his eyes are going to pop out of his head.

"Wwo!" He says. "You're so lucky! You have so many boys fihhting over you!"

"Lucky? I'm not lucky, I'm cursed" I remember the 'date' with Shrek and my mood darkens. "Dumblepip you have to help me. I can't go on that date with Shrek, I would rather die"

"Maybe I can dress up as you and go instead" Fumbledump offers.

I glance at him. "No no you are too ugly... maybe I should fake my death? Dumdumdumdumddumdudmddmdmdmd , pretend to kill me"

He lifts up my Edward pillow. "With this?"

"No I'm too pretty to die. Maybe I should move country. My cousin Katie lives in England, I can go and live with her. Or maybe-"

DING.

My phone lights up with a message from Edward.

I' m sorry☹️😄🥵💪

I sigh. A part of me still kind of likes Edward but I'm getting tired of his stupid apologies. This is the second time he's apologised for his anger issues... if he really was sorry he wouldn't have to apologise twice because he would try to improve. He wouldn't keep having to tell me he's 'sorry' every three weeks.

I can tell you my secret... maybe then you will understand...

I pause. Maybe it has something to do with how he ripped up the tree this morining. A part of me wants to break off this toxic relationship with Edtwat... another part of me wants to find out what's been going on. Edward and Fumblydip and Snape have been trying so hard to keep this a secret from me, and the fact that Edwards willing to tell me must mean something, right? Maybe Edward really is trying.

So I text him back one word...