Better Than Onions

CHAPTER 20

Fiona tells me the whole story.zzz

Fiona and Shrek became friends on the first day of high school. Back then, Shrek wasn't as big and muscular and handsome as he is jow. He was jusy a nerdy boy who loved gaming. They stayed friends even when Shrek grew muscles and soon they were the most popular people in the year. Everyone wanted them to date but Shrek was like Fuona's brother so they ignored the rumours.

When Fiona was 25, she noticed that someone in her class had a crush on her. Snape. But he was a nobody and had no friends so she threw all the flowers he sent her in the trash and fed the chicolates to her dog. But Snape never gave up and slowly Fiona began to fall in move with him. They started to meet secretlu in the scjool toilet. Fiona would cry about all her problehms and Dnape wohld braid her hair and takenpicyures kf her.

But then a new girl moved to the school. The new girl was me. At first, fiona didn't take any notice but soon rumours began to spread around the svhool. One day when she was walking to history shr heard her name. She hid behind a teacher and listened carefully.

"Did you see the new hirl and Shreak?"

"Sh threw up all over him. I think she has a crush on him"

"What? She's so dumb! How can she think she has a chance with him? Shrek likes Fiona!"

"Actually... wveryone said Shrek was smilling afterwdrd. I think he likes her too. She's very pretty too. I wouldn't be surdpied if she replcesg Fiona as queen of the school"

Fiona's heart started pounding. Ehat? Were they really telling the truth? Could the nee girl really replace her as queen?

She was avout to jump our of her hiding place and attack them but at that moment, Snape appeared out of nowhere.

"Fiona" he whsipered. "We need to talk. I think we should make our relationship official"

Part if her wanted to agree but after what she had just heard, she knew it was impossible. Her reputation as queen was already getting worse and Snape was a nodbkdy. If they started dating, thos new girl would dethrone her and she would lose all her poprukrsinyy. So instead she turned around, glaring at him.

"What relationship?" He frowned at her, confused, and she fake-laughed. "Oh. That. Did uou really think any of ghat was real? You're dumber thn you look. It was all fake"

"Wha- but Muffin Cakes!! We love each other"

"No. We. Don't" But Snape was giggling, as it it was a joke. She wondered desperately how to show she was serious and then she remembered, a fee weeks ago, when he had told her his biggest secret. She turned around.

"HEY LISTEN UP EVERYONE" she yelled. She grabbed Snape. "TWO WEEKS AGO, THIS BOY, SNAPE, PEED IN HIS BED BEYCAISE HE HAD A NIGHTMARE OF SHREK!!"

Snape stared at her, betrayed. "No" he whsipered. "Why would uou do this to me!"

Fiona smirked. "Do you believe me now?"

She turned back to the crowsd. "ALSO HE IS LOWKEY OBSESSED WITH ME AND ITS REALLY CREEPY. FROM NOW ON YOU SHOULD ALL BULLY HIM!"

"Ok Wueen Fiona!" the crowd of students chanted. They got out their lunch and started throwing it at snap. Snape screamed and ran from the room, crting.

From that day on, Fiona changed. She switched from a girl who only bullied nerds on tuesdays to a gurl who bulkied anyone who wasn't ShJk every day. But, not surprisingly, her friendaahip with Dhrek suffered. He didn't know why she was suddenly actung like she was in love with him or why she looked sk sad when she thought no one was looking. But her reputation was saved and she continued being queen of the school.

Fiona stops her story and looks at me starngely. I suddenly realise that i have been crying.

"This is so sad" I sob. "Alexa, play despacito"

"Alexa, don't listen to her" Fiona sighs. She gets up and givea me a tissue. I blow my nose.

Then i have an idea.

"Wait this should be a book!" I say excitedly, drying my tears. "Can i record this?"

"No! My reputation will he ruined" Fiona says angrily.

Too late, I say inside my head. My phone has been in my pocket recording this entire time. Now i can publish it and be rich.

"Ok continue" I sniff. "How did you become pregnant?"

"Well, I found out that i was adopted and... it was hard for me. I felt like everything my parents had ever told me was a lie, like... like they always tell me i'm beautiful but...."

She stops and looks at me.

I wait. She glares.

"Why are uou- Oh! Yes you are beautiful Fiona"

"I know" she says sadly. "Ok so i was upset and so i went to the toilet crying and Snape was in there too. We started talking again and-" she coughed and turned red. "Well now i'm pregnant"

We hoth look at her stomach.

"What will you call it?" I ask.

"Probably" he eyes turn dreamy. "Grease. After Snape's greasy hair"

"Oh" I say. "That's nice. BUT HOW DOES THAT HELP ME AND SHREK GET MARRIED?!!"

"It doesn't" she says. "Sorry. You will be alone forever"

I am about to start crying again, when suddenly i realise someoen is standing at the door.

Fuona's mum!

I grab Fiona and start pushing her stimach, like im giving it CPR.

"What are you doing?" she shrieks.

"THE BABY'S COMING!" I shout. "I'M A DICTOR"

Fiona quickly realises what is happening. "Ahh. My baby" she says unconvincingly. She is a terrible actress, unlike me.

"THE BABY!!" Fiona's mum screams. "SHREK QUICK!"

SHREK COMES RUNNING INTO THE ROOM. "What's going- Julia?" he stares at me, his face horrified.

"Doctor Julia" I shout, widening my eyes.

"Since when?" he mutters. He comes over and helps me jump on Fiona's stomach.

Fiona's mum starts singing and cartwheeling. "Baby baby baby ohh, like baby baby baby, nooo like babay baby baby ohhh"

Fiona's eyes are wide and terrified. "Julia!" she hisses. "Don't actually- You can't push the baby out like this!"

"PUUUUSSSSHHHH" I shout.

"PUSH" Shrek yells.

"BABY BABY BABY OOHH" Fiona's mum sings.

Fuona's dad is asleep.

We carry on pushing and shouting and then suddenly i scream.

"STOP"

Fionmum stops singing. Shrek stips pushing.

"Sorry you're not actually havung a baby. My mistake. Goodbye" I wuickly run oyt of the room.

Thanks to my amazing skills, I think her mym believed us. I am so awesome.