Better Than Onions

CHAPTER 8

I spin around and there he stands in all his green glory.

"Shrek" I whisper.

My heart thuds inside my chest as I stand there, wondering desperately what to do. How can I possibly explain why I am in Shrek's house in the middle of the night?

Shrek looks me up and down, his eyebrows raised.

"So?" he asks. "What are you doing here?"

"Um..." I stammer nervously. Where is Snape?

I run through a list of excuses... pretending I thought this was my house? No.... pretending I have brain damage and can't remember who or where I am.... maybe....

While I struggle for an answer, Shre looks me up and down, his eyebrows raised. I suddenly remember I'm wearing my pink cats pyjamas.

"Nice pyjamas" he smirks.

"I had no other options" I snarl furiously, forgetting to keep my voice down. Shrek's eyes widen and he presses a warm green finger to my lips.

"Keep your voice down" he whisper-shouts. He turns his head, listening... for what? Was someone else in the house?

"Shrek-" I whisper, but he ignores me, pushing me backwards. I fall back, my head slamming into the floor, with a loud noise, and he yanks me back up again, dragging me into a large room

"Do you have to be so clumsy?" He whispers angrily, steering me further into the room, until my back hits a tall wooden wardrobe.

"You pushed me!" I start to protest, but he puts his hand over my mouth again, checking behind his shoulder.

I'm beginning to feel annoyed. Who does Shrek think he is - pushing me and then yelling at me to not be clumsy. My head really hurts too and he didn't even check to see if I was ok...

As if he read my mind, he turns to me and asks, "Is your head ok?"

I stare at him. "What? Um yes, it's fine"

I guess he is capable of being a normal human being then...

He smiles at me. I never noticed how nice his smile is before. It almost makes me forget what an awful person he is.

"Good" he says, and then he leans towards me. For a bizarre moment, I think he is going to kiss me... and then he shoves me backwards.

I land into the wardrobe behind me. I'm trying to figure out when he opened it when suddenly the door slams shut.

"Wha- hey!" I bang my hands on the door. "Shrek! Let me out!"

His only reply is a small clicking noise. Great - he's locked me in.

I slump down against the back of the closet.

"Shrek..." I begin to say, but a loud slamming noise from outside the wardrobe interrupts me. Was that... could that be... Snape?

Snape... if that's you, I'll let you sleep under my bed for as long as you like. And I'll go Fiona-stalking every month with you.

But then a deep voice says, "Shrek?" and all my hopes of rescue suddenly vanish into thin air.

Shrek answers, "What do you want?" but somehow, it doesn't sound like Shrek at all, his usual arrogant, loud tone is replaced by a quiet, scared voice.

"WHERE'S YOUR MANNERS?!" the voice roars.

"I'm sorry sir" Shrek replies quietly. "I'll try to be better next time"

There's a sudden silence and then the voice says, "What was all that noise a few minutes ago?"

"Nothing... it was just me, I had a bad dream"

I try not to laugh at the thought of Shrek having a nightmare.

There's a loud noise again, as if the mysterious person is stomping towards Shrek. His voice sounds familiar but I can't remember where I've heard it from.

"WHAT ARE YOU?" The voice screams. It sounds very familiar.

Shrek doesn't answer. Probably because he knows I'm listening.

"WHAT. ARE. YOU?" teh voice screams again.

"An idiot sandwich" Shrek says quietly.

I grin, delighted. I should have brought my phone... imagine recording that.

I smile, daydreaming about all the ways I could blackmail Shrek to do whatever I wanted until a loud slapping noise breaks me out of my reverie.

Did... did that man just... hit Shrek??

I sit, frozen, in the wardrobe, unable to think or move. Is it an assassin? Fear courses through my veins.

The room grows mysteriously quiet and I realise that the man must have left the room. There is no sound from Shrek outside the wardrobe.

There is a small crack in the door, just about big enough for me to look through. Slowly, I press my face against it.

Shrek, my arrogant, conceited enemy, my detestable rival, sits on the bed. I can only see his back but he seems to be shaking.

"Shrek?" I whisper.

For a long moment, he doesn't make any response, then he sighs deeply, and  walks towards the wardbrobe, openening the door and letting me out before slumping back on the bed.

I watch him silently. The small amount of common sense I have left in my body screams at me to leave.

But as you probably already know.... I... am an idiot sandwich.

So I sit down next to him, my heart thumping loudly. Tentatively, I put a hand on his shoulder.

He pushes it off.

I clear my throat. "Shrek.... who was that?"

He doesn't answer for a very long time, the he says, his voice hoarse and broken, "my dad"

His dad?

The slap echoes in my mind. I can hear it clearly, as if it was happening now. I think back to my family. We had our arguments, sure, but they would never hit me, at least, not like that. My heart suddenly feels very heavy.

And then I remember...

"Your dad?" I ask, surprised. "But Edward told me your dad was dead"

He scoffs and turns his head towards me. The moonlight illuminates his beautiful face, his eyes shining with tears.

"He would"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I say defensively.

Just like that, his entire demeanour switches. He rises from the bed, grabs my shoulder and drags me upwards.

"Ow ow ow" I protest, forgetting to keep my voice down.

The door bursts open. My heart drops about ten feet.

A knight in shining armour stands in front of us, a sword pointed to Shrek's throat.

"Hands off!" It declares, waving the sword dangerously close to Shrek's throat.

Shrek does not look scared in the slightest. He just stares at the knight and then says, loudly;

"Julia, who is this weirdo?"

I shrug, just as confused. The knight takes off his helmet, shaking his long luscious brown hair.

Finally, he looks at me. He isn't as tall as Shrek, but stands at a good height of 284 cm. He has chestnut brown hair, touching his shoulders, an impressive moustache and blue glasses covering his eyes.

My mouth drops open.

The knight smiles demurely at me.

"Hello Julia" he says in his deep voice.

"Chris?"