House Of Cards

1: Meeting him again

The mixed feeling she was having was constituted of two dominant emotions, fear and anxiety. She wasn't sure how she would conduct herself in front of him however she didn't want to miss the opportunity to share the same space with the man she loved with all of her heart.

The wound was still raw heck it hadn't been even a few days since he expressed his desire to end their two-year-long relationship. So the pain was prominent nevertheless she forced a smile on her face as she waited for him in the restaurant.

Her mind raced back to the night the incident happened. She was always aware of their degrading relationship but she had convinced herself that they could go through it together. She believed they were strong to withstand the drought and they would dig a well if there was no rain. But she was wrong. The cracks she ignored had collapsed the foundation of her relationship. And there she was trying to collect the bits of herself that had collapsed along with their bond.

"I am not being able to take it anymore, I am not being able to concentrate on anything. Nothing but depression has engulfed me and being in this relationship with you is making it the worst. It is true I am starting to get frustrated with everything you do and it's not a good feeling. " The words he spoke weren't a secret to her. She knew his demons, his struggles and  It could be very exhausting to be in a relationship with someone like her, she understood that too. There were times when she felt emotionally drained as well but she had latched on to him as he was her only source of comfort in her miserable life.

"You have stopped opening up to me, all you do is remain silent and I feel like I am talking to a wall. Is it that hard to tell what is in your mind?"  He would ask repeatedly, every single day but to date she didnt know how. She was clueless about the answers he was seeking through her and when she failed to live up to his expectation, the attraction dissolved and got replaced with disappointment.

Dissapoiment;  was what their relationship had reduced into, in the one year of living together.

 His disappointment with her and her disappointment with herself.

It wasn't his fault though. He didn't even want to be in a relationship, to begin with, but she had tricked him into it. 'Trick' would be the perfect word since she had asked him out in one of the intimate moments when he couldn't deny her.  She simply liked the person so much that all of their differences were negligible for her to consider rather, all she could ponder on was how comfortable he made her feel.

Like a warm blanket in cold winter, gelato ice cream under hot scorching light, and a puff of a joint after a hectic day, he had become her relief for every problem she had in her life. Maybe that was the mistake she made, she got too emerged into him and unknowingly suffocated him.

Six months

He had been thinking about ending things with her and like a fool, she remained unflinching and didn't even try to address their problems.  Instead, she tried to fix them by showering him with affection that did no help. He didn't need useless affections and what he needed, she couldn't provide.

"Sorry, I was a bit late" Taehyung excused himself as he took the empty seat before her.

He looked fresh, a bit relaxed and her heart sunk realizing how much stress she had been giving him. One of the main reasons she agreed to his decision even when she was still madly in love with him was that she felt it was a better choice for him to leave her behind nevertheless seeing him doing fine and unaffected by their breakup pinched her heart a bit.

"I have great news, they have given me the contract, I will be earning money for my thesis" He shared with happiness glistening in his eyes. She was very happy for him and even stood up to give him a hug but the way his face morphed into an awkward one was yet another jab at her already wounded heart. But then how would she know where they stood in these foreign circumstances? While breaking up he had assured her that he would be there for her and that nothing much would change. The only difference would be that he would be utilizing his time to focus on himself, his goal, and his future so the sudden shift from waking up in his arms and stealing kisses without any thought to asking permission to even touch him was something she had yet to adjust.

"I will be there for you whenever you need me, you can come back to this place the door is always open for you" Taehyung blurted out those words to give her some solace.

"But your heart is shut now right" she murmured with tears running down her eyes.

"You will always be special to me, you are like my family" 

And so holding on to that assurance, she had stepped back letting him have his space because the last thing she wanted was to add more to his predicament.

She congratulated him while he continued to fill in the details and she keenly listened to him.
They talked like nothing happened, she even laughed while inside her heart wailed in despair, and only after they parted their ways, did the anguish she was going through, pour down in the form of her tears.

The truth was her mind had yet to soak it that it was really over between them. In a snap, he was no longer hers. Those precious moments wouldn't return back and she wasn't even sure if she would ever get to re-live them. It was awfully scary as all she had was him. Since his attention and love were abundant for her she didn't even try to make friends or know more people in the foreign city. She was hoping that their breakup was just one of the bad phases that he would snap out from. He would gradually realize that he loved her a lot as well, and wouldn't want to spend days without her loving kisses, pampering, and her utmost devotion.

During their entire encounter, the blaze that was burning in her heart had gone unnoticed by him and the outside world. No one could have guessed that she was suffocating, that she wanted to scream, beg him to return back, hold him, kiss his lips but her wishful thinking remained within herself.

Because they both were mismatched, with divergent attitudes and polar opposite thoughts. To be precise their goal for each other was different. She had entered into the relationship with the mindset of being a positive aspect in his fucked up life while his goals could be turned into a list. 

From the beginning, he was a believer in nothing aka a Nihilist. Everything had lost its value in his eyes including life itself. Love? It was the most ridiculous thing to exist. A word that could be used to portray what selfishness meant and relationship as a natural process to find someone to have sex with. Desires, emotions, and feelings were all shit! A futile venture for delusional people. On the other hand, all she wished was someone she would plan her future with and look forward to tomorrow. 

When two such individuals with contrasting beliefs and varying emotions meet and try to comprehend each other, happiness was something not to be hoped for.

One was a silent sea and the other was a typhoon with an inconsistent direction of motion and their relationship was doomed before it had even begun and still she had poured herself in a way he didn't want her to. Both loved each other beyond words and yet neither the path they had taken nor their destination matched. None of them was at fault, yet their relationship fell apart like a House of the card.

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Agust 14, 2021

Today feels especially tough. I don't know why, but it's like I'm emotionally drained. Every night, I can't help but regret agreeing to break up with him. But deep down, I realize that things wouldn't have been any different because he would have left me anyway.

I wasn't the person he truly wanted to be with, and it's clear that he didn't even want to try. I've been mourning the loss of our relationship for about two months now, and it seems like things are only getting worse for me.

Still, I try to reassure myself that everything will be okay, that I will be okay. I believe that someday, the pain will lessen, and I'll be able to smile again.

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