House Of Cards

6: Love is not enough

Taehyung was lying with his head on her lap while she gently caressed his hair, giving him a slight massage to help him with his headache. His migraine was getting worst and though no medicine would even come close to decreasing the throb, her massages would at least aid to reduce the tension.

The guy was burning up and despite her numerous request to fall asleep, he had his eyes fixed on her face, tracing her face swollen due to excessive crying.

Saya skimmed down his face, his dark big eyes gaping at her like he was a lost puppy, reminding her why she loved the man so much. His adorable face was always so hard to resist and even when the pain would be too much to handle sometimes, his one look filled with affection for her would trump every ache in a heartbeat.

"I trouble you so much right" he spoke in a coarse voice and she shook her head immediately to say no.

"I wish I could change myself but I can't. I tried but..." he expressed and she mouthed it was okay.

"My mind, they can't see me happy. They won't shut up. I am exhausted from having this constant battle with myself and I can't witness you being a casualty of my demons" Her hand began shaking and with everything she had in her she spoke"It's okay, you don't have to explain yourself, I know"

Of course, she knew everything about him. How he had been struggling with depression for years, his traumatic past relationships, and about every scar he bore in his heart. She had seen them, felt them, and witnessed him live his darkness. No one knew his fear, his issues better than her.

"You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to live in this toxicity..." he choked on his words.

"I have changed you so much, you no longer talk much, you no longer smile and I know it's because of me. I brought those changes. My constant mood swings, my phases, and every harsh word I spoke to you in my fucked upstate, you bore them all for my sake ...You took them all in silence but I don't want that...I don't want you to drown in my depression..." he took her hand and placed it on his cheeks.

"This is hard for me as well, but I am not the right guy for you. I can never give you what you deserve and these thoughts make me angry and I end up venting them on you..." he expressed as she listened to him without denying it. She could never convince him that all his doubts were just in his mind because maybe somehow his words were true plus she was also dying in the feeling of not being enough for him.

"I know this very well yet I cannot detach myself from you...I feel like I will go crazy without you...I love you a lot but love is not enough. You get what I mean right?.." he asked wiping her tears using his thumb.

"You understand me right? If you won't understand me then I don't know who will" They both broke down in tears and she nodded her head conveying to him that she understood him.

She knew every word he spoke was the truth. Love was never enough. Though she hope it would be but it wasn't and that was the harsh reality of life.

"I wish I had met you earlier...A bit earlier...before turned into this broken man who turns everything he touches into ashes..." she wanted to disagree but the sobs had locked her voice in her chest.

He wasn't a perfect boyfriend nor was he romantic but if it wasn't for him, she would be completely lost. He always took care of her as a mother would care for their child.

Ensuring she would always eat healthily, and get a regular walk to remain fit. She wouldn't remember what supplement she would need but he would never forget to make sure she had them. In order to lessen her financial stress, he had once given up the part-time job offered to him. He was a wonderful guy which is why it was so difficult for her to give up on him.

She recalled the day her feeling for him had started to blossom.

After a night of drinking with their common friends, she passed out as she was never good with alcohol. The next morning when she woke up, not only she had reached her home safely but he had cleaned her messy room and even swept her floor clean. Something she had never anticipated to be done by a guy coming from their culture.

That day she realized he was one in a million. Kind and empathetic, she had always seen him go out of his way to help everyone including strangers. A person with truly a good heart.

"I will forever envy the man who gets to be with you..." he told her but he had no clue how much envious she would be for the woman he would feel worthy enough to try.

"You know Tae, When I first arrived in this city, the feeling was similar to getting lost in pitch-dark woods. Even a twig that would crack under my feet would scare me and then I found you..."

"With you, I felt brave. You were my source of encouragement. Your light gave me the willpower to carry on the journey to cross the woods..." she paused to gulp down her sob and then she continued.

"You were my candle...but I don't want my candle to melt for the sake of keeping me  in light. So it's ok" she caressed the face of the man she had fallen madly in love with.

Oh, how she wished she could turn back the time and live the initial days of their love. The giggles watching their favorite show, warm hugs midst of the cold winter, the kisses on the first snowfall, and when the fireworks went off on their first new year together. The memories were so sweet that they brought ripples of joy and bursts of tears.

She wondered how it was possible for two people to love each other so much and yet be so wrong for each other. It was such a sad fate that despite the affection they held for each other, they couldn't overcome their differences.

She wished things would be different but neither of them had the strength to change the fact that their relationship was doomed before it even began. She was aware that their relationship was beyond saving and the only way she could help him was to move away from him.

"We will get over this, together" She gave him a faint smile and he bobbed his head like an obedient child.

"I promise" with a heavy heart she promised.

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