In the darkness, she stayed wide awake. A month had passed by and her tears had since dried but the torment in her mind showed no signs of stopping. She kept going back, analyzing where she had gone wrong. Questions plagued her thoughts: Why wasn't she enough for him? What did other women have that she lacked? How could she hit so low?
She couldn't stand in front of the mirror because her own reflection hunted her. She felt ugly, utterly disgusting. When nothing subsided the pain, she blamed her mother for her reserved personality. Had she not confined her, had she allowed her to socialize more maybe she would be interesting enough. Had she not been so focused on the burden of the financial loan and joined him on trips and hiking maybe he wouldn't lose interest in her.
From her childhood, she was taught to keep her lips shut in the situation of conflict, if you are angry leave the room in silence and just like she was taught she followed. She was so used to escaping her problems that when they began affecting her relationship, she only knew how to avoid them.
What more she could have done?
She slapped herself for all the time she didnt join him for a walk. He loved taking a stroll but she preferred staying home maybe if she would have pushed herself then he would still love her. Maybe she was a bit more mature and confident he would still want her.
She wanted to tear herself apart and yet it wouldn't be enough. Because of her own lacking she lost him. She lost the person she loves. The self-criticism intensified, leading her to feel scared, alone, and full of self-hatred.
He did right, she often thought to herself
Who would want to be with a girl like her? She had no personality, she had nothing talent, she had no goal in her life. She was so plain. Any guy would be fed up with her.
He did right, she concluded.
She could never make him happy anyways.
In their relationship not once he had held her hand and expressed he wanted them to last forever. He never made any promises so why was so mad at him for choosing someone else over her? Why did she feel so betrayed?
She closed her eyes trying to recall the last time she saw him happy with her but she couldn't remember it at all. She always bothered him one way or another. Her voice was too loud for him, her favorite music too tacky, the way she walked too clumsy, and the way she dealt with people too naive.
She was too insecure, she was too passive, she was very boring.
Her friends tried to console her, but deep down, she knew they were just trying to be kind.
Sometimes people don't know what they have Saya, you are enough, he was too blind not to see. Jimin said to her. But she knew it was just a word to comfort her. Back of his mind, he must be agreeing with Taehyung saying how he would have left her too if she was his girlfriend.
He will definitely regret it, mark my words Hoseok had claimed but she knew Taehyung better than him. He must be feeling relieved. In that person's arms, he must be happy.
In an attempt to block out the pain, she isolated herself. She had blocked him from all of her apps but they lived in the same building. In fear of running into him, she couldn't even step out of her own apartment.
You can't block him, Saya, it will affect our entire friend circle. You can't get angry at him for choosing his happiness. It is not that he cheated on you Jimin had said and he was right.
Taehyung didnt cheat on her. She shouldn't be mad at him for moving on. She should be mad at herself. She should be mad at her own lacking. She shouldn't have made excuses for his bad behavior, She shouldn't have defended him for hurting her. She shouldn't have justified all of his negative actions. She willingly subjected herself to the pain so she deserved what she had been served. She can't expect to behave like a doormat but not get trampled over.
She should have given up earlier.
It is your fault, she slapped herself
You stupid, she slapped her again
She slapped herself for every time she opened the door for him
She slapped herself for every time she allowed him to hug her
She slapped herself for loving him to the point she lost herself.
She slapped herself till she was bruised and yet the pain didnt exceed the burn in her heart.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
She screamed pulling her hair.
AHHHHHHHHHHH she screamed over her pain.
But no words, nothing could ease the emotional pain he caused her.
She realized that he was the one person who could make her happy, and now that he was gone, the whole world seemed insufficient to fill that void.
****
To all the readers reading this book, please be careful, this is a sign of a trauma bond in a relationship:
They hurt you but you keep protecting and defending them
You know you should leave but you can't let go
You neglect your own need for their
you crave for the crumbs of affection they show
You make excuses for their bad behavior
you blame yourself
In hope they will change
YOU ARE READING
House Of Cards
FanfictionThey both were mismatched, with divergent attitudes and polar opposite thoughts. She was a woman with Love and full of hope. He on the other hand was a believer of nothing aka a Nihilist. Love? A futile venture for delusional people. When two such...
