House Of Cards

4: I regret it

My eyes peeled open and they were graced with the sight of his bareback as he was sleeping facing away from me. Butterflies swirled into my belly and I moved closer to him and held him tight pressing my chest against his back.  

After having dinner together we had decided to watch a movie at his place and soon a simple gesture of putting my head on his shoulder had transformed into me begging for more under him. Overwhelmed by the emotions, our intimacy was very intense leaving both of us in tears maybe because we both had believed we would never get to feel the connection again with each other.

A new glimmer of hope for rekindling our relationship had emerged within me after our passionate night and honestly, I was all rainbow and sunshine looking forwards to the new day with him. Closing my eyes I relished the feeling of being near to him again.

He rasped in his sleep and I wondered if he was having good dreams because the entire night he was frequently waking up from nightmares with a deep fear which was penetrating his heart evident in his eyes.

He shuffled away from me making me groan internally at the loss of the warmth and I opened my eyes to find him wide awake staring blankly at the ceiling above. Fear crept into my heart realizing he was regretting our night and even though he didn't say a word to confirm my doubt I comprehended through the change in his behavior.

I outreached my hands to touch him but he moved furthered away and my entire body shuddered due to the hostility reading off of him. 

Getting out of the bed, he began dressing himself up without uttering a single word forcing me to ask the question I was dreading to hear the answer of.

"Are you regretting it?"

He nodded confirming my fear and I gulped down the pain that boiled in my blood. Turning away from him I forced myself to remain neutral. 

"You should have stopped me. This isn't good" he expressed ambling towards the window and opening it to let the fresh air in.

"We both know by getting involved with each other we can never move forward. Things will get more difficult and worst-case scenario, we will ruin the remaining of what we have with each other."

"If you knew you would regret it then you shouldn't have initiated it" I pointed out looking directly at his face however the twinge in my chest was too much for me to handle and my eyes lowered down on their own.

"I am only a guy. It's easy for me to lose control and give in to my impulses when I know I will get one without any effort," he mentioned making me scoff at his word. 

"and I am only a girl who is in love with you. How do you expect me not to give in to the desire for the man I love?" I questioned redirecting his statement to him. 

"Because you are stronger than I am. Don't let me pull you back. In fact, If I come to you, shut me out. Tell me fuck off or that you don't want to see your face...tell me anything and don't let me in. You have always been so malleable with me and it makes me feel like I am manipulating you trust me I don't want to do so or feel like I am somehow influencing your actions and decision. In fact, I hate it..."

Noticing that I was silently crying again the feeling of irritation erupted within him and he cussed out loud. Then going through his pocket to take out the pack of cigarettes and lit it up.

"There is no talking with you. There is no having conversation. Either you go silent and cry making me guilty for opening my mouth" he claimed to light up the stick and dragged a puff to fill his lungs. Even though he was going crazy from the inside, his voice was completely opposite to the state of his mind.

"What do you expect me to say?" I asked in a trembling voice.

"Anything! Anything that is in your heart. If you want to curse at me curse me. Anything but your silence. I hate it, I hate your silence. It makes me feel like I brought this upon you. You changed because of me. My darkness has consumed you"

"I need to leave..." was all I could say. I couldn't handle the emotional turmoil inside of me and the guilt of not being able to provide him with what he wanted was tearing me apart.

He extinguish the cigarette by pressing the lit end against the ashtray and took a deep breath in. His entire body was vibrating because my words had managed to hit his nerve after all it was the exact reason why he had ended our relationship.  Trying to contain the devil within him he turned to me and took a seat on the revolving chair in front of his work desk.

"I am sorry for lashing out. Let's talk it out" he spoke as calmly as possible but I shook my head. I knew there was no stopping my tears which would lead him to have a mental breakdown again.

"I will be fine. " I managed to force a smile on my quivering lips and hurriedly got into my clothes.

I knew my answer wasn't something he wished to hear. He was hoping to talk and solve the issue but I found no reason to do so. He had already left me and our relationship was already in ruins there was no point in staying and gathering the pieces which would only hurt me even more.

He closed his eyes shut, furry painted all over his expression watching me run away from my problems rather than facing them.

I stood up at once and opened the door but before he spoke in a loud and clear voice

"If you leave don't ever come back"

I remained stunned in my tracks, my head revolving causing my vision to go disorientated. I couldn't move my legs anymore. I was always flustered at how easily he would always say those words. I pivoted my head to take a better look at his face which showed not a hint of emotions. 

I balance myself from collapsing and suddenly I felt nothing. His words had officially turned me hollow from the inside. In the back of my head, a voice said this was all meant to be and it was better for both of us. I knew I would curse myself for taking this decision nevertheless I  proceeded with what I felt was best at the moment.

"I guess it's goodbye then"

I rushed out of his apartment without turning back.

༻✦༺ 　༻✧༺　༻✦༺

August 19, 2020

Sometimes, we give our all to someone, hoping to bring them joy, only to realize we inadvertently cause them pain.

We pour our time, energy, and love into their lives, but unknowingly become overwhelming to them.

As his words reached my ears, my thoughts spiraled into a dark void. Was I truly too clingy, suffocating him with my presence?

Did I make a mistake?

I believed I respected his need for space, but now I wonder if, in reality, I was unintentionally suffocating myself by being too present.