And Then The Murders Began

Chapter Three: Get Your Feelings Off

Three Weeks Later

As part of all of this, I have to go to therapy every week, and the woman that they force has me working with... she tries, she really, really, REALLY tries, but gosh darn it she just doesn't freaking get it... I'm sorry, but there's a big difference between having a human as a counselor and having another Jerentnekai like me trying to help me work through my mental health struggles... I'm not trying to sound dismissive, I'm really, really, really not, but it's just not the same, I'm sorry, Ms. Tremblay. You're trying to help, and I appreciate that, I can't tell you- won't tell you, to be completely honest, because you just wouldn't believe me, I feel- how many hate calls and messages, voicemails and emails and letters that my family's gotten on my behalf, all of them making the situation out to be my fault, all my fault, and nothing but my fault. I want to counter that with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... yet something tells me I just can't yet... there's been something about all of this that's just made me really, really wary of anyone and everyone... it's nothing personal, but I don't need to be committed to the asylum... so I've just been sitting here in silence, trying to keep my ears up and perky and my tail flicking gently so I don't seem ticked off... it's not going that well, but Ms. Tremblay, I'm not ever going to tell you that.

"Pause there," she tells me, pausing me in the middle of a sentence. "I think you've had enough of that for today, wouldn't you think?" Little rude, don't ya think?

I pause, hesitating, ears flicking down on the top of my head [why do they have to be like this? Why can't I just please be normal, why?].

"Ms. Tremblay, I've had enough, but- look, I don't know, I'm not really getting anything out of this... I'm just numb, you know?" I ask cautiously. I don't really want her to think I'm any more of a mess than I am, but trying to keep the mask of perfectly calm wolf when your ex-girlfriend killed fifteen people and then shot herself in front of you and said it was all your fault right before she did up is exhausting. "I mean, I want to get this weight off of my chest, it's not that I want to feel like this, it's really really really not- and yet," I mutter, feeling the tidal wave of emotions that I've been biting back for weeks threatening to break free. "I just-" I manage to choke out, before my tears fog my glasses and all the rage that I've been fighting comes roaring out.

"And yet," I say, my voice taking on a brittle edge, anger rising higher, "and yet, damn it, damn it damn it... ow, fuck!" I yelp as my claws bite my paws, shit. "I don't have it in me right now to figure that out. I want to get over it, I really do, I want to be able to move on and smile and get on with my freaking life but no, no, I can't do that, because I wasn't there to see what was going on in her head and listen... not after we broke up."

"You want to tell me about that?"

Not really, I think, but someone has to know- but no, that might get me in trouble too? I don't know, I really don't... I know exactly what I'd like to do, and that's not part of it. I should've gone to the police but she asked me not to and then nobody got her help when she finally went and told them herself and none of this makes any sense...

"Not really, okay?" I tell her, trying to force a smile onto my face.

No, I really don't know if I've had enough, I haven't hurt enough right now haven't kicked myself hard enough, haven't made myself regret leaving enough... not healthy, not healthy, I know I know I know, but what I don't know is if I'll ever have enough. I don't think that I can ever really get over what I'm feeling right now. I just-," I say, my walls coming down again- "I don't want to talk about it right now, if you really don't mind, please?"

Miss Tremblay smiles and nods. "Of course, Electra," she says, eyes twinkling, like they've seen something magical. Well, let me tell you something, lady, there's not really any magic left in the world, if there was, there wouldn't be plenty more tons of dirt that the cemetery now has nothing to do with...