And Then The Murders Began

Chapter Twenty-Four: Holding Out For Something

I come to with another pounding headache, one that I feel like is only being made worse by the fact that I still haven't managed to shake off the lingering effects of whatever knocking around my brain got from falling down so many freaking times, gods damn even my nose is still freaking sore, it's so not fun...

-but hey now, at least I'm lying in a bed, and there's Amy and I have no idea where we are but I don't feel as on edge here as I did just a few- wait, I have no idea how long ago everything in the car went down... a few however long ago, let's just say that and leave it there... but it's warm in here and there's a nice fire burning in a log stove right nearby. I don't want to move but at the same time I feel like I should, like I should get up and be useful and stop being such a fucking lazy bum by lying in bed when Amy's obviously hard at work and then my head throbs with a pain that I'm really not used to feeling, not since I got the last migraine that I've ever had years and years ago, yuck, white behind the eyes, that's a hell of an overload so fun so fun so fun!

-but then I realize where the voice in the back of my head that's urging me to do those things is coming from, and whose voice it is exactly and, well, I'm not too happy at the realization that my fucking step-father still has his fucking claws in my mind even this long after his ever so unfortunate passing...

-and well, I wouldn't say that it makes me hate myself, that's different, at least, from the way that I used to do things- progress towards goal, right? At least there's that- but instead, I would say that it's given me new insights into where the things in my mind, where all of my fucking neuroses are based... well, if there's ever a time to tap into the 'psych brain side' of me, then this is definitely definitely definitely it... I mean, at least, I hope that's it because I can't do this like this for all that much longer, nope nope nope...

But that's besides the point, oh holy fucking hell my face... I thought that this was gonna be better... and it is, I'm laying down and even though my head is thumping like crazy, it's all gonna be okay it's okay it's okay...

I have no idea how the hell I ended up here, but apparently I am... and well, at least it feels like it's safe? Yeah it definitely feels safe here and I hope that it stays that way because I need a place to hunker down for a while and I don't think that Amy's gonna care if I stay... honestly I think she needs the company so okay, yeah, I'll stay... it's safe here... it's safe here I can stay here it's safe here yep yep yep totally completely safe...

That's a plus, and yet it's definitely strange to feel this way, at the same time...

And then it hits me- pretty damn hard too, if I'm being completely honest- that I'm really not normal like that, and that it's really not a, well, a regular occurrence for most people to feel afraid of being at home, to nearly always be on edge, ready to run and go hide at the slightest provocation...

And I know that Amy would worry about me like crazy were I ever to tell her that so I can't say anything can't say anything can't fucking say anything because I know otherwise it's right back to Madawaska and I don't wanna rot there...

Three hundred years I have left in this body if I'm lucky- and despite all the shit that I've been dealing with in my life, I like myself and you know what, I don't wanna spend five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes- why yes, yes I am a RENThead- times three hundred rotting away in there... and seeing as how I keep bringing myself back to that it's obviously something that I've been obsessing over ever so slightly...

Okay whoa, slow down there Electra, 'ever so slightly' doesn't do it justice at all- just like the focking RCMP refuses to do me justice but whatever, whatever, whatever, let's not go getting political here Electra... or should I say Mx. Stehlen... yeah, I like that... I mean, it's not like being who I am, being a gal is a problem or anything, no that's not it... it's just that sometimes I feel like I am and other times I feel like Option D, none of the above, fits best...