And Then The Murders Began

Chapter One: Reflections

I never saw it coming, that day, you know, and nor did Miguel. I want to let you know that the day you did what you did, I'd begged my mom to let me go to school that day, and she finally relented, and that's how I found myself in the front row of the auditorium when you pulled that rifle out of your bag, and then the murders began.

Stephen King said it best, but let me try: life turns on a dime. Or better yet, life turns around with the help of a rifle shell that nicks the top of your ear and makes you want to die. So many of my classmates did, so many, so many, and I feel like I should have been one of them. I wasn't, though, and, well, I'm doing this for her. I loved you, Lylah, and I'm sorry he got away with doing this to you for so long.

You didn't have to do this, you know? We were listening, you didn't have to do this...

Well, no, I'm wrong again, we really weren't listening, were we?

You know that answer already, I don't need to answer it... I wish I could've done better by you, Lylah... I really, really, really do...

But all I am is a wolf in a black dress quietly humming Sweater Weather, my voice doesn't carry all that well, and I know that you're going to need me to speak up. I can do that, for you, for all of the people whose lives you took, I can do that.

I have to wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't been there, or if I'd just listened a little while longer that day you called me sobbing, the day I screamed that you needed to go to the police.

You didn't want to, you thought you could handle it.

Fifteen people are dead, Lylah. That's never going to be excused, and when I die and join you in hell, I'm going to tell you that. Fifteen good mammals are gone, and why? I'm still trying to figure that one out, honestly.

Layla, I wasn't even expecting to be there that day- the flu had me so bad two weeks earlier that I thought that I, well, maybe that I wasn't gonna make it, but I did, and damn it I was going to make it to see the play, because I knew you were going to be playing the lead and I wanted to see that... I'm a little better now, but there're scars all over the place. You got me good, Lylah.

Apparently it's normal to not want to think about this sort of thing... so then why does my shrink think that it's a good idea to have me be writing a journal about that day, about how it all, and I quote, "made me feel inside," like I've ever really been able to feel anything and I haven't just gone number to the world than usual?

Apparently, it's supposed to make us feel better, some sort of resolution. I want to major in psychology, Layla, and one thing that I've learned is that venting just makes you angrier. That's probably true, and if I keep crying at this rate my tears are going to wash all of the ink off of the pages here.

Here, Electra, write this down, that's a good girl.

There's a lot wrong with that: a, I'm a wolf, not a dog, b, I'm eighteen, I'm not a pup anymore... I hate it when other mammals try to make me out to be so immature, and I find my hackles up and it's not even funny...

Being the little pup, the runt of the litter, I- well, I was the pack punching bag. Plenty of broken snouts are the least of it, and I grew up- well, I grew up not knowing how to trust anyone, Lylah, until you came along.

They want me to grow up and get over it, quit howling every night, Electra, you're keeping the whole pack up.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Mom, you're lucky that you still have that someone special in your life. I don't... and then they try to pull the 'well just be glad you can swing both ways' shit on me. I picked a person, not a side, and that person is gone, mom, please try to understand that; please try to understand that the love of my life is dead, and it's all my fault. If I'd only just been there for you, Lylah, then we wouldn't be here, then I wouldn't want to be able to close my eyes and never open them again, then... then maybe, maybe I'd be able to find some resolution.

The way things are going, though? That's not going to happen any time soon, not until we find whoever did this to you.

Me, I don't think that I'm ever going to find any resolution. Not for what I did after you lost control of the gun... and you meant the world to me, god damn it... Lylah, if you'd hung around- I would've gotten down on a knee for you... I wanted to, but I saw that look in your eyes that said 'let's wait until after high school and then I can get away from my whack-ass parents and then we can just be us, Sappho and her friend,' and I waited. I waited too long.

Everything was perfectly normal that day- perfectly calm, I should say, because it was far from normal, it was quiet, like being inside a hurricane. I should've known, Lylah.

Unfortunately for me, unfortunately for Lepreau and all of New Brunswick, or anyone else that was trapped there in that building last March Fifteenth, the weather was perfect, and no one was expecting anything.

That was the worst trick of all.

At least I survived to tell the tale, eh?

I wish I hadn't, but I did, and here we are... well, here I am, you're six feet under now, Lylah...

Furever yours,

Electra J. Stehlen-Wilde