And Then The Murders Began

Chapter Seven: Sour As A Lemon

Electra, I know you all too well, dear heart.

You're probably gonna want to excuse yourself and try to think, oh hey, I couldn't have done anything, why's she mad at me? Of course you'll want to know why, but I'm not going to tell you. Oh, no, no, no, I'm going to make you read through all of this to get to the point. By then end, I hope you'll understand what was going through my head. Maybe you'll even feel sorry for me. Well, I know that's never going to happen, not anymore.

I know that I won't feel sorry for you after I blow you to high heaven. Well, not to high heaven, 'cause you don't deserve to go there. No, the pit down below would suit your kind so much better, but well, I'm just going to have to see in a week. I've managed to pick out the perfect set of tools for the job. I hope you enjoy the messes, you always were an expert at causing them.

Of course, what's the point in writing any of this if I don't explain myself?

Don't answer that, I already know- absolutely fucking nothing, that's what.

Okay, so where's the best place to start? According to my mom, as much of a pain in the rear (both a figurative one and a literal one) that she can be sometimes, she has a point. In order for things to make sense here, I'm going to have to start at the very beginning, 'cause that's the very best place to start. I know, I know, that's gonna get the song stuck in your head, I remember just how much you hated it, and you know what, good, I'm glad.

When I count the reasons that I hate you, Electra, it's one, two, three, on and on and on, and the first goes like this: 'you and me.' Yeah, that's a very big reason. A girl likes fidelity in the one she's dating. Now, of course, Electra, should you ever find this, you're going to think that you were never unfaithful, 'cause I get the horrible feeling that that's exactly what you're going to think, but I'd like you to know that I saw you kissing Max Brown in the hallway, and that was not ten minutes after you had promised me to my face that you would always love me. Then you go and cheat on me?

That's my issue, Electra, and fuck you if you can't get your fat head around , you know what? I think that's exactly it, 'dear heart,' I think that that's exactly what did us in, your fucking around. Oh, okay, so maybe you didn't actually screw him, but from what I saw, how passionately you two were locking lips (and tongues, from the looks of things), it wouldn't take an expert to figure out what that meant, and need I reiterate that we had done the same thing over at my house just two days before?

That's what they call being a bitch (well, really, it's worse than that, Electra, they call those people sluts for damn good reasons).

Oh, and like the old soothsayer said to Caesar, beware the ides of March.

Oh, wait, I forgot. You can't.

And as for a third 'whoopsie' in less than half a page, I just realized that I've been straying too far from what I wanted to say originally. Who knew you could take relationship advice from one's own distractibility?

Eh, we all learn something new every day. Your new lesson for the day will be from me, and you want to know what it's going to be about? Well, I suppose that you probably don't want to hear about it, but too bad. If you want to feel better about yourself, you're not going to find it here, oh no no no, Electra, but what you are going to find is a puzzle.

Well, what kind, Lylah, you ask? You weren't ever good at taking the hint, so take a big fucking one now, bitch- learn to mind your own fucking business, and maybe don't do me when I'm down, Electra. I dare you to keep reading this. Here, let me offer you some advice, and I think I'll actually let you off the hook just a little, how's that sound?