And Then The Murders Began

Chapter Eighteen: Never Get Free

There are some days where I wish I could go back to the way things were before all this, before I let myself start giving my cynicism so much free rent on my mind, before Dad died, before I got pneumonia and nearly died and then got shot a few times and nearly died- the first hit me the most, it was the other two that hit me the hardest.

I thought that my world was ending; Mom kept pleading with me to come out of my room, please Electra, please... I refused, I didn't want her to see me like I was then, like I am now, a royal fucking mess...

And then of course, things went down and I thought that they couldn't get any worse... but life keeps trying to show me up and to prove that yes, things can-

But maybe that's the wrong attitude to take. Maybe life's just trying to say, hey, you're tougher than you think you are and you can handle it. Maybe that's just how I work, but that doesn't feel right. I wonder if it's just because I've gone mentally numb to everything, or if there's something more to it...

Well, really, it feels like it's both... and now I'm gonna have that fucking meme in my head again.... Again, that decision paralysis...

I love it so much!

So, so much!

Electra, you need to talk about this! one half of my mind is screaming, while the other is telling me Keep your fucking mouth shut, you sissy...

And as crazy as it might seem to some people, I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out which voice I should be listening to...

And it makes me really freaking frustrated that I can't make up my mind...

I'm sitting across the table from some distressed mammals, and it's all my fault, my fault, my fault, who am I?

A fuckup, a freak...

A freak who let someone hurt her and won't just let it go, keeps holding onto that pain, that memory...

My face is all freaking wet... he didn't hurt me, he didn't, I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine this is all fine... overreacting, Electra you're overreacting again, just like you freaking always do!

Bitch you're nuts, why do you even try?

I don't know. I really don't. A worthless fuckup, that's all I am...

Then there are arms around me, soft arms, furry arms, hugging me close, is someone licking my ears that's weird but it makes me feel happy... genuinely happy for once...

And it feels wrong that I'm happy and that feels wrong...

Gods I hate this, hate how shit my mental state is...

What did he do to me?

What did he do to me?

What DIDN'T he do to me, now that's the real fucking question...

Ooof, the sick twist of irony in the way my brain phrases things, yeah, that's wonderful.

But you know what, I don't care what they think... I don't care what they say... What do they know about this mind anyways?

I don't know... I just know that most people think I'm a freak...

And I'm not about to let my guard down... that's a good way for a wolf to die- not a good way to go out, oh fucking hell no, but a very very good way to end up deaded somewhere with the help of some flying lead or a knife or something worse...