The Truth That Lies (WangXian Modern AU)

21

My time came through. I watched myself being buried under. But when I opened my eyes again I wasn't in heaven or hell. I've crawled out of my grave to come home to him.

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Wei Ying

Wouldn't it be nice to disappear? Literally disappear.

In a way that doesn't involve living hidden, or sleeping to forget the existence of a conscience . . . Just dissolve into the nothingness of air, flow away with the wind, and mix into the millions of atoms around. Forget that you ever lived, forget that you ever loved.

Will I eventually be invisible?

The ceiling of my hotel room comes to focus, with a buzz that's coming from miles away; I realize, my phone is ringing. I slide my hand along the side of my pillow, a metallic cold of a phone comes into contact. I bring it back to the front of my face and almost turn it on. Not this one.

I blink my mind to a little stable state. I roll around to my front, propping out from the side of the bed, and spot the ringing phone on the floor.

I don't have to read the screen to know who is calling. Only one person had this number. "Cheng." My voice comes hoarse than I expected.

"Your leave of seven days ended today," he says. "Are you coming back tomorrow?"

"I—uh, can't. Not yet." I sit up, rubbing a hand against my face, still having no heart to tell him that I might never return. "I have to stay low a bit more. I'll work from here."

"Where is here? Jesus, I don't even know where you are."

"I can't tell you," I mumble, falling back to the bed.

"Why? Because I'll tell him?"

"Cheng—"

"Xian, what the fuck is going on? Why are you doing this to him? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

I squeeze my eyes. "Cheng, don't—"

"—I will because what you're doing is fucking stupid."

Such a concrete statement.

I throw my head back, open my eyes, the ceiling is fuzzy again. "I have reasons."

"Fucking tell them!" he exclaims. "How can I help you if you don't say anything?"

"You can't help me."

"No, fuck that. How would you know?"

"If it was simple as telling you, don't you think that I would've done that already?" My words come through gritted teeth. "I'm not doing this because I want to, Cheng. I left him because I didn't have another option. I'm fucking helpless, okay? Please, I don't want you to make me regret this more than I do. Fucking stop before I lose my mind."

I crush my face to the pillows, then lift it back up with a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Cheng, I just can't make anyone feel better right now."

"I don't—" he stops himself. "Wasn't it the same last time?"

"Yes! And leaving him did both of us good."

I hear a long sigh. "Did it really?"

"Of c—" I pause. Did it really?

"Listen. Just this one, okay?" He says. "Wangji is planning to resign."

"What?"

"I thought you might want to know. I don't know when or why, he's considering it apparently."