Lily's Charm- Severitus fanfiction

Consequences

1981

The Floo Network spit Severus out unceremoniously onto the hard stone floor of his small cottage, which Albus had created as a safe house for his family. Severus staggered toward a chair, but he stumbled and was forced to grasp clumsily at a small table and his fingers found unsteady purchase with a silver frame.

But his trembling fingers slipped and the frame tumbled to the floor; Severus barely heard the tinkling of the glass as it shattered and not having enough strength to make it to the nearby chair, Severus collapsed in a great black heap on the floor, his legs splaying out in front of him.

Severus’ chest heaved as he sat on the floor. He was beyond trying to control himself, beyond even attempting Occlusion to bring some measure of relief. Harry was not his son. Lily had slept with James.

Severus’ mind was racing with confusion and he desperately tried to find some sense in all the confliction, tried to bring order to the chaos but it was no use. Severus could not take this pain and neatly put it away, pretending none of it had happened. His life was a lie; he had lost his son…his wife…his family.

James—Potter, Potter had ripped his life from him. And in a surge of fury, Severus screamed and the sound pierced the still air. Potter had stolen his wife, his son…every reason Severus had for living. Severus clenched his fists until his fingernails drew blood from his calloused palms and he vowed that the next time he saw James Potter, he would kill him. As slowly and painfully as was possible.

The Gryffindor had seduced his wife…his Lily. He could not blame Lily for this. Severus had always known he was unworthy of her, just as he had been unworthy of his parents as a child. As Severus sat on the hard, cold floor shaking with anguished rage, he had to concede that even in his shock, he had always been expecting Lily to find someone better; in fact Severus had been waiting for it.

Lily could not help it, he knew. Every day that Severus had been with her, he was freshly astonished that she still wanted to be with him. He had never, never been good enough for Lily Evans. The self-loathing that had been ever present since his childhood, had abated a bit over the years as Lily had shown Severus that he was more than the worthless child his parents had claimed him to be.

But now, the self hatred came rushing back to Severus and he thought of Lily again, her beautiful face, her fiery, gentle soul…even Lily…dear Lily, so full of love herself, could not love him. Because Severus knew he was in fact, unlovable.

“Harry….”

Severus’ grief consumed him as he thought of the little boy, with his mop of raven hair. From the beginning, Harry had looked like James. He and Lily had designed it that way, weaving a complex Charm full of Potter’s genetic signature with Harry’s so that they could keep their secret.

With a wash of bitterness, Severus realized that even that had been a lie. The way Harry looked now was most likely pretty close to how the boy really would look without the Charm…as James Potter’s son.

Severus remembered how pleased he’d been, each time he’d looked at Harry, that he and Lily had left Harry’s eyes strictly alone. For every time he’d gazed into those deep emerald orbs, he saw Lily. A low, tormented moan escaped Severus’ lips as he realized he would never see either pair of eyes again.

Oh, he knew Albus would come and plead with him to continue his work with the Order and as a spy for Voldemort because though it hadn’t been planned that way, Severus had turned out to be quite valuable for the cause of the Light. But, Severus didn’t care anymore and he couldn’t bear to face Lily again, regardless.