Lily's Charm- Severitus fanfiction

Cracked

1996

Severus stared at his son, wanting to do nothing more than leap at him, to grab him and shake him violently. How dare he say those things about Lily? Harry knew nothing of her. But of course he didn't; Severus had made sure of that, hadn't he? The livid vision of himself reaching forward and yanking Harry by the arms, to completely dispel his rage swam in front of his eyes, darkening him, soothing him until he almost snapped. And then he saw another boy, being roughly grabbed and shaken brutally, the tall dark-haired man screaming obscenities at him, his words punctuated with sharp blows to the boy's face, and then Severus saw Harry again.

Harry.

No!

Harry's mouth snapped closed and a look of horror washed over his face. Severus' teeth were lodged together so forcibly, they'd gone numb and he could feel himself beginning to tremble as he fought himself to remain still, to keep his fury from unleashing itself on the frightened boy in front of him. And with everything Severus had, he made himself turn away. He had to, or else he would hurt his son.

So Severus turned away, walking as quickly as he could while he tried to stop the frantic breathing that was trying to overtake him. But it was so quiet; he could hear Harry's own anxious breathing behind him. Severus forced himself to ignore it. He could not go back. His vision was beginning to swim again but he pushed it away until he reached his door. Harry would be safe.

Severus opened the door and stepped through, allowing himself to feel some of the rage as it started pouring out and with a blistering anger, he slammed the door with all his strength. Not nearly satisfying enough.

Harry's words washed over him again as he stood there staring at Lily's desk, and with a vicious snarl born of self-loathing, Severus flung the chair from where it stood, and then he wasted no time in giving the heavy desk a mighty shove so that it was upended, a testament to his rapidly rising fury. And in those next minutes, Severus completely lost control and nobody but he existed. He was completely alone. And there was nothing but hurt.

He had abandoned his son. Condemned him to ten years of hatred at the hands of people, who should have loved him, should have given a damn about him. And then for five years, Severus had tortured him, abused him in ways for which he would never forgive himself. Harry should never forgive him either.

No matter how much his son professed to be okay, no matter how much Lily had said Harry had needed to love him, how could his son love a creature so wretched, so foul as he? He was a man filled with hate, with such darkness that there was nothing but cruel bile; he should be a father to no one. It didn't matter how much he loved the boy. He didn't deserve Harry and he never would. In a final thrust of rage, Severus smashed both of his fists into his bureau and then he relished in the blinding pain.

When he came back to himself, Severus was standing in a floundering mess, surrounded by the remnants of his anger. The bedcovers were torn from their perch, the night table and its pictures strewn across the floor; his knuckles were bloodied. Severus' anger was drained now...spent. The violence he'd enacted on his wife's furniture would never touch his son.

Using the bare mattress to lean one of his abused hands on, Severus bent to retrieve the frame that had crashed against the stone floor. He straightened again, staring at the boy blinking back up at him. Albus had given the photo to him over a month ago and Severus had placed it next to his only other photo. He didn't stoop to pick that one up; she would be ashamed of him today.

Severus ran his thumb along the inside edge of the frame, taking in the sorrow-filled emerald eyes of his boy; it had only been days since Harry had lost Black. And now, only weeks after Harry had thought he'd lost Severus, Severus had completely failed him. How could he stand here and demand that Harry learn to control his emotions when he couldn't even do it himself?