Lily's Charm- Severitus fanfiction

Belief

1996

Harry stared at his father. And then for one brief instant, he wanted to grab him and shake him, to scream at him, “How could you have let this happen?!” but he couldn’t do that. How could Harry accuse his father of anything after Cedric…and Sirius?

And no matter the choices Severus had made, no matter how far the horrifying repercussions of those choices reached, Harry wouldn’t hurt the man like that. And then Harry wondered fleetingly, if Remus had felt similarly after Sirius had died and he felt all at once grateful for his friend’s kindness, as Harry made the only choice he could.

His insides squirming madly, Harry sat carefully on the sofa next to his father, their positions reversed from the first time they had sat there together. Harry had no idea what to say. He didn’t think a simple, ‘it’s not your fault’, would do much good. And Harry couldn’t know how his father might react to an attempt at comfort.

Forcing himself to stay calm, Harry said quietly, “I don’t think mum would want you to do this to yourself.”

Severus didn’t look up as he answered shakily. “She is dead only because of my fear. My fear killed her.”

“You didn’t kill her,” Harry interrupted forcefully. “Voldemort killed her and Voldemort gave me this scar. You couldn’t have known what he would do.”

“I knew what he was capable of,” his father spat, his fists now clenched in his lap and his head was up again though he was staring at a spot off to the left. “I watched the Dark Lord kill countless people and I did nothing, because I wanted to protect Lily…and you.”

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep your family safe,” Harry said quietly.

“Safe?” his father echoed venomously, whipping his head around. “I did nothing for either of you,” he said angrily and then, closing his eyes, he was whispering again. “I left you. Left all of you there, fodder for Voldemort.”

“It’s not your fault,” Harry insisted, shocked by the intensity of his father’s regret. “Mum told you I wasn’t your son!”

“And that was all it took?” Severus sneered. “One word and like a coward, I ran away? It should not have mattered. Do you have any idea how much James loved you and your mother?” he asked suddenly, his eyes intense, turning now to look at Harry.

Harry, taken aback by the seemingly unrelated question, could only shake his head.

Severus held Harry’s gaze. “James gave up everything he could have had, just to keep Lily safe, and then later to keep you safe. He never once questioned any of it…James would not have left…” Severus looked away again, his lips pinched tightly together and Harry knew he was trying to bring himself back under control, most likely by burying these thoughts.

Harry’s throat closed as he listened to his father’s anguish. His guilt over so many things. Actions that could never be changed. And Harry was beginning to understand just how much it meant to his father to have this second chance. Harry had been surprised over and over that Snape had seemed so willing to make an effort, but how could he not be willing, in light of his remorse? He was trying to atone for so many things, so much beyond just his indefensible treatment of an innocent boy for five years.

Harry swallowed slowly, trying to stop the emotions that were rising up, threatening to consume him. How could he possibly tell his father that any of this was not his fault? But his father didn’t deserve to feel this way, not about his mum and James. Nobody deserved this.