Fading Sorrow

Break my heart

Previously,

I felt betrayed and hurt. The man who I thought I owed my life had now turned out to be the one ruining it. That thought made the pain worse.

"The beautiful love which I felt from you has completely disappeared, Jihun. It completely has!" He chuckled darkly hearing me and with a smirk he stated,

" Most things that disappear are beautiful! " 

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"Being good in this world will never bring you anything. Just like how all these people suffer because of me, it only brings you pain and nothing else. Only evil wins in this world be it wealth or health. If you gain something, you lose something. The person who I am now, the power, it was all achieved with the things I lost in my life. The world is the worst place for someone good to live. And I want everyone to know it." He said, chuckling darkly.

How pathetic!

" The world is the worst place to live? Now are you angry at the world? Are you trying to justify yourself by blaming the world?" I yelled at him. He must have really gone crazy.

" I don't fear you anymore, I just pity you. If this is the Jihun I know then, I never liked you. I have never called your name and I have never known you. Why are you going easy on me, huh? Just end it, end it all. Kill me like you kill everyone." I glared at him. My eyes bloodshot red, tears streaming down without stopping.

"You are not angry, you are just sad. And I want you to suffer. If you die you will get what you want 'peace' and I don't want that to happen. You know what is scarier than death? It's life! " I couldn't stand him anymore. I rapidly took steps backwards and started to run out of the room.

I tried my best to stay strong. To not break down in front of him, but I miserably failed! I can't do this anymore. Looking at him is making me weaker and weaker. How could he do that to me? I am feeling so miserable that I am starting to pity myself. The pain is growing inside me to the extent I can't bear anymore. I ran and ran trying to get far away from him. He is just playing with me. I am just a game to him. Tears brimming my eyes making it hard for me to see. Each step getting heavier making me slow down in my track.

It became slower and slower till I stopped. His face flashes through my mind. I don't want to think of him...it hurts. I gasped for air but I felt like drowning. I dragged myself and leaned against the wall, gasping for air. My head started to spin, I couldn't balance myself. I collapsed on the hard ground sliding on the wall. I feel myself going insane. I tried to hold myself strong, but it was hard. Hard as hell ! Knowing he was close to me, I just wanted to run back to him. I must really be crazy! After all that happened, all the things he said I still want to be with him, in his arms. I want to be locked inside him forever. It's the only thing that's keeping me alive.

Why Jihun? Why are you doing this to me? The impact he has on me is very dangerous. Even after he broke me I still love him and I hate myself for that. You break my heart every time and when it heals it beats for you. I know it's pathetic but that's the truth. You feel like my home and everywhere I have never been, all at once.

Break my heart! Break it a thousand times if you like. It was only ever yours to break anyway. The moon is all alone in the sky without any stars. It again reminds me of him and me. He is just a few steps away from me but I couldn't be with him. All these days I went through everything, just thinking about living with him. He completely broke my heart and the biggest problem is I still care. I still care about him, think about him. All the time I try to forget him, the harder I try, the more I think about him.

I agree I only knew him for a week. Maybe he is not a fool like me to fall in love with someone he only knew for just a week. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way I feel about him.

Loving him still now is so wrong but it feels so good. It feels like he is my world. Like the sun rises after the moon's descent, it's natural and inevitable. I can't fight the feeling. The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you need the most. There is a lot of difference between want and need. Want is a luxury, while need is something you cannot live without. I had a lot of reasons to leave, to give up on you. But still I chose to stay. You had a lot of reasons to stay. But you chose to give up on me. Why? Just why? You just cut and threw me out of your life like it was something easy. Making me think I deserved it. We were not perfect but I have never felt like this for no one. No one had ever had this much of an impact on me.

What more reason do I have to try living? You were my Ikigai and still you are. Everything was bearable just because of you. Now that my heart bleeds in the cold lone night, and you are not here to get me through it all, make it all so hard. What am I supposed to do now? Why is my life only filled with winter and darkness? Why does it have to be me? Why only me? Why doesn't the heavens want me to be happy?

Knowing he doesn't want me, knowing he broke my heart I can't stop myself from loving him. I still love him. I still love him and I hate myself for that. I am so scared to die. Scared of not being able to see his face after I die.

My heart hates me for loving him............