tryst - an ashaangi ff

xxi

WARNING:- mentions of anxiety and anxiety induced panick attacks.

Sivaangi remembered the first time she had to sing in front of a stage. Her primary instincts were on the forefront and she could feel her whole body tingle. She felt oddly vulnerable and self aware, she was conscious of every moment and note she sang. That exhilarating feel was something so unique of singing to her.

But that's how she felt now, picking at the ends of her shirt while she waited for Ashwin. She could try and cover up the whole internal battle that she's been fighting, but he knows her too well to believe that. Or rather, he knows people too well to believe that.

Her mind was so lost in thought when she felt a small spoke to her temple from behind. She whirled around to meet the man himself and she immediately felt her nerves calm.

"Enna ore yosanai?" he asked, sitting down on the bench in the restaurant they frequented often.

Sivaangi smiled and said, "En manan kaga waiting, athanala karpanai land ku poiten."
Ashwin laughed loudly and said,

"Karpanaiya nejamaka than naa, oru nadigan," a teasing twinkle in his eyes.

Sivaangi ignored the blush creeping up and said, "Romba padam pakaringa."

Ashwin grabbed a hold of her hands and played with them absentmindedly and said, "Ipadi pesa solikudtathe nee thane."

"Oh appo intha mathiri vera yaar kittayum pesinathu illa," she asked, a look of disbelief on her face.

"Chi chi," he said, scrunching up his nose, "Ellam kulu kulu vanthathu aparam than."
Sivaangi smiled faintly, the familiar insecurities in her head cropping up in some corner. Ashwin noticed her lack of enthusiasm in her smile and asked,
"Seri, enna prachana sollu."

Sivaangi shook her head no and tried to put on a more convincing smile but it didn't get past him. He clicked his tongue disappointedly and pulled her closer,

"Sollu ma."

Sivaangi took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. She sighed loudly, how was she supposed to say this to him in the most nonchalant way possible.

"You don't need to think about how you're gonna say it, just say it."

Sivaangi snapped her eyes back to him, wondering if he heard her inner monologue. It always suprised her, how he was able to read her mind and say the right things.

She took a deep breathe again and said, "Na edhuku Ashwin ungaluku?". She saw the confused look in his eyes and continued anyway.

"Realistic ah yosichu parunga. Ippo than ungaluku career eh start aairuku. Athula naa oru risk thane, na ethavathu solli athu thappa pogi, ellarum 'oh intha ponnu eppadi oru paiyan kooda ipadi irukan' apadanu pesina naa enna pandrathu."

The familiar tight feeling returned to her chest and tears constricted her vision.

"Ennaku unga kooda irukanaum, ungaluku en kooda irukanaum athellam okay. Aana Namma practical ah yosikenum la. Ungaluku oru vishayam theryuma, inniku etho oru news channel en friend ku phone panni sivaangi epadi ava thappu senjirukala apadi lam ketrukanga. Ithe mathiri yaaravathu ethavathu kettu, ellarum enna unga life la oru negative tone la patha enna pandrathu. Nammaku prachanai illa, Seri. Aana ellarum apadi nenaipanaga nu solla mudyiadhu. I don't want to put you in a position where I become a black mark for yo-".

That's when the dam broke. The intrusive thoughts in her head flew in so freely that she felt like she was swimming in it. So submerged, that she found it hard to breathe. All she could see were the trails of insecurities and questions dancing over her head like a sinister ballet.

Ashwin held her face in his hands, and called out her name. "Sivaangi, sivaangi enna paaru. Just look at me, okay? You're here, you're here with me. Enna paaru."
His voice broke through the water like the damn reconstructing itself, snapping her out of the elusive music. Her mind cleared and she looked into the deep brown eyes she had grown to love so much. But she could still feel the droplets of water stain her mind.

"Tell me, unna suthi enna therithu?" he asked, rubbing her cheeks with the pad of his thumb.

"Restaurant. Lights. Tables. Chair. Hazle.", a weak smile twitched on her face when she saw the feline. She felt herself feel more grounded, but she did feel like she just ran a marathon.

Before she could do anything else, Ashwin pulled her into a tight hug burying his face into her hair, rubbing her back soothingly.

"Are you okay now?", he asked. She responded faintly, pulling back from his embrace.

He smiled at her comfortingly, choosing to let them bask in the silence. And she was grateful for it, everything was overwhelming as it was. A few moments passed, before he decided to speak up.

"Do you know what I thought of you when I first saw you?". Sivaangi shook her head, leaning back into the bench.

"I loved your eyes. Etho puthusa pakara mathri irunthuchu. So captivating. Anga vizhunthavan than." he said, and she giggled quietly.

"Aparam enna theriyuma? Ennaku ore blushing than. Antha mathri lam naa vekka patathe illa. Athavida, ennaku yaarume avalo importance koodthathilla. Ithu varaikum eppome oru supporting character ah than irunthurken. But thidirunu nee engayo vanthu enna oru raja range ku mathita. Naa yen atha oru risk nu nenaika poren, sollu?".

Sivaangi was silent, feeling as though the overwhelming water that her anxiety brought was being engulfed by the warm flames of his words.

"Yaaro oruthan kekkarana avanga solrathu unmai aaidathu. Everyone around me knows that I've got everything after meeting you. Athukaga namma life la ellarum apadi nenaipanaga nu solla mudyiadhu, but unnaku theriyum, ennaku theriyum, nammaku mukiyamanavangaluku theriyum. People will always talk, we just need to mute them out. Yaar enna sonalum, I really don't give a shit. Nee thappu panna, athunala enna? Ulagathula nee mattum than thappu pandriya? Nee panna maata, athu vera vishayam. Apadiya nee panalum, that's okay, you're only human. Namma life ah naama than define pannanum."

The water was now boiling. Totally submerged in his fire-like eyes. Everything went away in just a matter of a few minutes.

"You're not a black mark, you're probably the best thing that happened to me. You don't need to overthink it, it's very simple. I want to be with you and I love you."
Sivaangi could not remember a moment where she was this baffled. Baffled at how someone could love her so unconditionally. There was no need for dramatics, things were so simple between them. It was something sketched in the universe, she thought. An imperfect sketch of them, so organic as a flower blooming.

Ashwin thought that Sivaangi was a flower that was always fresh and he wasn't wrong. Together, they are unwilting.

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hi hi makkale!

i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. it was a bit weird to write after everything that happened so that's one of the reasons why the update is late. i think it's a bit shorter than usual, but I'm actually super proud of this chapter the most lol.

i hope the whole anxiety thing isn't too much. but I felt like it was an important topic to be discussed. i am a psychology student so whatever Ashwin did there are actual techniques we use for people experiencing a panic attack.

hope you guys liked it! leave a comment and thank you so much for the love and support you guys give this book and me.

love,
sai