Airplanes and Airports

Chapter 2

When a person loses someone, it gives her something to remember. She gets this certain fear of the word "forever". Oh, and I'm not just talking about a "soulmate" or a "significant other". I'm talking about people, in general. Walang specific na tawag - it could be someone's mom or dad, or maybe a friend. Basta, someone in a person's life.

Five years. Five years na akong merong fear sa word na "forever". Why? It's because nothing seems to last forever. Diamonds are forever, they say, but what if maubos na ung diamond reserves ng Africa or ng Canada? Nothing's made to last forever. A person's life-span is 60-75 years. How is that forever? I've lived in the States since I was born, but today, I leave. How's that forever? People leave, things get broken, feelings escape. Nothing can ever last forever.

Sometimes, I blame Fate for doing that to me. Sometimes, Him. I guess it's ought to be like that when you lose people, huh? People who meant the world to you. People who you've been with your whole life long and with a blink of an eye, you'd lose them. Who's there to blame? Who's there to take the blame?

"Are you alright, darling?", my mom. 

She's bringing me to the airport; this is the last time I'll be seeing her. Yung next time, I don't really know when. My parents are busy, but at least, my mom tries to find time for me and my brother. My dad? Well, let's leave him to whatever he's doing.

I nodded and smiled in response. 

"Bels, what's wrong?"

My mom calls me Bels when she's making lambing or when she's worried. And from what I can see, her eyes are filled with concern and worry for her only daughter. If only I can show her how happy I am, I would. It's just that, I've been really deep in thought. My whole life suddenly flashed before my eyes and here I was, making my mom worry. Great.

"Nothing, Mom. I just feel... uhh...", I stopped trying to grasp the right word.

"You miss him?", she offered.

I always do. There's not a day that I don't think about him. There's not a day that I close my eyes and don't see him.

If a photographer took a picture of how I looked at that moment, every single person who'd see that snapshot would feel my pain. That's how painful my smile was. No, mali. That's how I smiled at something that really pricked that certain spot in my heart.

She hugged me. She hugged me tight. It was as if she wanted to take every ounce of pain away from me. It was that kind of hug that makes me want to cry - oh, if only I could.

"You'll be with King now, darling. And I bet, mas kaya nyang alisin ung pain and grief dyan sa heart mo.", she said, her own voice breaking.

Nothing's forever. My mother's smile isn't made to last forever, she can't smile forever. I thought I wouldn't get lost, but now, I am so lost. I don't know how to find my way out. There wouldn't be a map laid out in front of me forever. Going to Manila might show me the way out of this grief. Nothing's supposed to last forever, right? Not even grief.

"I'll miss you too, Mom.", that's the only thing I can say.

"Be good, okay? Be anything you want to be, Bels. Don't stop living under his shadow, okay? Hayaan mo na si Dad. Even if he disowns you, you'd always be my Princess. Okay?"

A tear rolled down my cheek. Hindi because I'm sad or that I miss my father. No. It's because finally, I'd be Christine Arabella again. I don't care kung anong last name na. I don't care if it's Mendez or it's Wolffe. Finally, I have someone who'd accept me no matter what I do with my life.

"Even if I become a poet?", I asked jokingly.

"My God, by all means, be a poet, honey. If that's what you want, then go. If you want to be a porn star, then be one.", she laughed, herself.

"Mom, come on. My body is not ready."

"Anong hindi ready? I'm a fashion designer, and I have to say, you can be a Playmate. Ano? Hatid na lang kaya kita sa Playboy Mansion?"

"Mooooom!! Eww. Tapos, I'll be Heff's girlfriend? Eww. No. I'll find someone really hot na lang in Manila, then I'll have sex with that guy and we'll have beautiful babies together.", I grinned.

"Christine!", she was laughing really hard now.

I did something I don't usually do. I hugged her. I might've went through hell and back, but I'm still a kid. No matter what, I'd always yearn to be that 4-year-old kid my parents used to hug so often. Hugging my mom tight brought me back to that time.

"I love you, Mom. I'll make you proud. I promise."

"I am already proud of you, darling. You don't have to do anything to make me proud of you. Just yeah, be whatever you want to be and be the best one sa kung ano man ung 'whatever' na un."

That was the end of the car conversation with my Mom. I don't really regret saying the things that I did - yes, every single word - because, I don't know what might happen to me in Manila. She brought me in and reminded me of the things that I shouldn't forget - like e-mailing her once in a while, taking care of myself, and all those other things moms remind their kids.

She left when the last call was being made. That's the last time I'll see those chocolate brown stars that twinkle on that porcelain-like skin, hear that angelic voice, and feel that feathery lips on my forehead. That's the last time I'll see the woman who gave birth to the Wolffe siblings.