Airplanes and Airports

Chapter 12

"Ms. Izzy?", some girl asked.

I entered Jack's; Kat and Colton brought me here, pero umalis din sila, saying na I needed some time with my brother. Anyway, yun ung greeting sakin the moment I went inside Jack's.

The place is nice naman - pretty small and mejo crowded. Buti na lang napansin ko na the girl who asked me that was behind the counter, sa far end nung room. She was wearing a black shirt, with a logo na "Jack's" sa may breast pocket. She was smiling at me and she looked a little bit older than me lang.

I nodded. Tapos, lumabas sya dun sa counter and approached me.

"Ma'am, sa 2nd floor po tayo. Kanina pa po kayo iniintay ni Sir King." She said, while paakyat na sa stairs.

The stairs was just a few steps away sa door. And, well... that explains why she needed to approach me pa. And, explains why she knows my name. I followed her up the stairs. And ushered me inside the door sa left side, nung nasa 2nd floor na kami.

"Sir, nandito na po si ma'am," she said addressing my brother, "May order po ba kayo?"

"Cuervo, please? 2 shot glass ah?", my brother answered.

He was alone; he was smoking and drinking a bottle of beer. He motioned for me to take the seat in front of him. I sighed and walked towards him. Sakto naman, umalis na din ung girl.

My brother looked like a mess. He has this small bruise pa din sa cheek nya and sa side ng lip nya; his eyes looked like he hasn't been sleeping for days; his hair's a mess - as if he just screwed someone and rushed to get over here to meet me. He looked... devastated. I know, deep inside, it's not about me leaving him. It's only been a week and he knows that soon, I'll go back home.

When I sat down, I just... looked at him. Trying to read him is one of the things na nahihirapan ako. He's not an open book. I have to open the cover, read a few chapters until I get to the gist of the story. Ganun sya.

If I wasn't paying attention to my brother, inobserve ko na ung place. It was quite bigger than the ground floor. Merong malaking LCD TV that was mounted on the wall. The place was empty though, except for us. Mas okay na din 'to, we can talk and just.. spend time together.

He took a swig of his beer, "When are you coming home?"

I shrugged. "I'm sorry if I walked out on you."

"I understand you, Iz. It's just that... I need to watch over you 24/7; you're not supposed to be out."

What he's saying is confusing me. He's not like this. This isn't my brother; he lets me do the stuff I do and I've never really heard him say these things. I cocked an eyebrow - that would get a message across.

He sighed and placed his face on his palms, "Dad... Dad..."

I smirked, knowing what's coming next, "You don't have to finish your sentence, bro. I understand now."

"Don't get me wrong, I want you here. I mean... aside from Mom... you're the most important person in my life. But, maybe... nag-aadjust din ako. I've been alone for almost 3 years now and I don't know how to deal with you." He was rambling.

I totally understand him; people don't actually know how to deal with me. I'm confusing; I usually confuse people a lot. I'm depressed, still grieving - grieving for 5 years - and at the same time, I do what I want and try to live. I guess, it has something to with my "search".

Pumasok ulit ung girl just right after he rambled. Nilagay nya ung bottle ng tequila sa table, kasama ung salt and lemon. Tapos, she hang around for a bit. 

"Sir, ang pretty naman nya. Girlfriend nyo po?", she asked with really cheery voice.

I chuckled, "Eww. Sister nya ko."

"Ay. Sorry, ma'am. Ngayon lang kasi kita nakita dito eh.", she then turned to my brother, "Di mo naman nasabi na maganda pala ung kapatid nyo, sir."

"Anong maganda jan? Panget panget nyan eh.", my brother said, looking at me.

I cocked an eyebrow, "Panget ka rin!"

The girl started giggling, "Nako. Sige po, iiwan ko na kayong dalawa. Tawagin nyo lang po ako pag may kailangan pa kayo."

He nodded and the girl left. Kaming dalawa na lang ulit. No more tension between us, just... sadness looming over us. Not to the point naman na we'd be talking about how miserable we are or what. But, it's just there, comforting us.

I took the initiative to open the bottle of tequila and poured some sa shot glass ko. I poured some din sa shot glass ni Kuya, knowing na sasabayan naman nya ko uminom. And he knows how I drink.

I placed some salt on the back of my hand, licked it, and took a shot. After I felt the burning sensation in my throat, down to my stomach, I sucked on a slice of lemon. My brother watched me the whole time.

"You've been smoking weed again, huh?", he said as he shook his head in disbelief.

"And you haven't?", I sarcastically asked.

"If you did that dahil umuwi ako ng battered, please... Stop it. Wag kang magpaka-high just because your brother went home battered and drunk," he paused. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. How many times do we actually need to say sorry for people to forgive us? How many times do we actually need to beg them to forgive us over something small or something big? If people forgive easily, baka lahat ng tao, masaya. If we just learn to forgive, maybe... just maybe, you'd still be here; we'd still be complete.

I hate that word, but that's what I say when I ask for forgiveness. That word has a lot of underlying messages eh. Minsan, nagiging fake na because of the repetitive use. Minsan naman, makes you feel guilty and useless and not worthy. I'm sorry.

"Sorry, we did everything that we can, but he's gone. Sorry."

I sighed, "I just want to spend time with you, Kuya. I don't care if si Dad na ung nagforce sayo to buy a ticket for me, but... I just want to spend with you. As in, like yung dati. We'd spend the whole day together, just watching people pass us by."

Like how he used to spend time with us, I thought. I wanted to tell him that, but... I don't want him to feel that I'm comparing them to each other. They're both my brothers, di ko sila kailangan ipag-compare. I know that they're different; no comparisons needed, since we all are different from one another. Right?

"Will you ever forgive me for thinking that you don't need me anymore?", he asked.

"Eww. Ang drama mo nanaman."

"No, seriously. I want to know what you think."

"It's the fear of every little sister - yung mawala ung big brother nila. No matter what, I don't want to just... lose my brother, just because he thinks that I don't need him anymore." I smirked and continued, "If I can still have him too, I'd tell him this too. I need you, Kuya. More than you can ever imagine."

"Sinong madrama ngayon?" he laughed.

Nibato ko ung skin nung lemon na nikain ko kanina; this is funny. Ang funny ng relationship namin ni King. We talk about serious stuff and all the things na masakit balikan, but... we act as though we're kids again right after talking about it. It's as if, we let those things sink in, in a matter of seconds. But, it's alright. Everything's alright and I can say that somehow, this takes away my sadness. Even a teeny tiny bit percent of my sadness.

 I need to find you and tell you how sorry I am. This wouldn't be easy. I'm sorry we have to part; I'm sorry you had to go through everything; I'm sorry I made it difficult for you. I'm sorry, Poppet. I'm sorry. Will you ever forgive me?