Reckless 2 - JinByul Fanfiction

Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

He drove them to the university’s private garden. Ensuring that it’s only the two of them, they went in.

She’s delighted to finally see him again although she’s been dreading this moment, at least she can still see him for the last time.

“How have you been? I’ve been trying to contact you these past few days. I was hoping that we could—"

“How did you know I’m here?” He cuts her off.

His voice is calm but she knows he’s just holding back.

“Namjoon told me.” She answered while looking at her hands.

He’s breathing deeply trying to calm himself down.

“What is it this time Byulyi?”

She’ll tell him what she needs though she already has an idea what could be his answer.

“It’s not yet over for us right? You just need space right Jinnie?”

He just wants to be numb at the moment. He’s getting sick from the hopeful tone in her voice.

“What’s unclear for you Byul? Do you think that I still want to be with you? Do you think we can still work this out?”

His words are piercing her heart but she’s been through a lot to give up this time.

“Jin, listen to me first please. You told me to talk to you. Hear me out this time please?”

“Byulyi, stop using my words against me. No matter what you’ll say, I won’t listen to you anymore.”

“Jin, I only asked you to trust me. Please Jin. Don’t be like this.
”
He couldn’t take it. Seeing how her eyes lost their shine because of him.

He couldn’t keep up this façade anymore. He kneels in front of her.

“Stop it Byul. I’m begging you. Don’t do this please. Don’t make things harder for us.”

She kneels down with him.

“I only want you Jin. I only need you.” She’s already desperate for she cannot go through him.

“You had me Moon Byul Yi, but I don’t know myself anymore. Do you know that? Let’s stop this please? Let’s end this.”

Promising herself that this will be the last, she asks him.

“Do you trust me?”

It pains him to see her like this. Begging for him though she shouldn’t. 

“I did Byul. I’ve trusted you lots of times. I trusted you even on that day. I wanted to get answers from you but I can’t trust myself anymore. Stop it already Byul. You shouldn’t do this..”

Another promise to herself that she knows will be broken again.

“What should I do so you would listen to me just this once? Listen to me Jin please?”

“Nothing Byul. I just want peace.”

Holding onto the ring he gave her, telling herself, a bit more.

“Jin, I’ve shown you all the times we were together that I love you. Did I do things that will hurt you then? Can’t you think about them now? Please?”

“It hurts me even more when I remember the past that we shared. Don’t be like this Byul.”

And once more..

“Can I ask you a question instead?”

He hesitates, “What is it?”

“Did you really love me?”

He finally surrendered to what he really feels and hugs her to him. His heart aches for the both of them.

“I did princess. And I still do.” His voice cracked.

“Did you regret having me in your life?”

“Of course I don’t but it’s getting harder for me Byul. It’s too painful for me. I wanted to say that maybe we can still fix this but I know it’s not the case.”

“Can’t you choose me now?”

He loves her so much that he wants to protect her from him. She’ll just let herself suffer just for the sake of being with him and he won’t allow it anymore.

“I’m choosing you this time Byul. I’ve long been choosing myself. I don’t want to lose you. But this isn’t right anymore. I still love you but it isn’t enough. I need to fix myself Byul. If we continue this, I’ll just hurt the both of us. I’ll hurt you. I have to do this for us. I need to do this on my own. Heaven knows how I don’t even need to hear your explanation.”

He urges her to look at him.

“Is this the kind of man that is worthy of you baby? I only know how to blame others. I can’t even be there for you when you needed me. I’m a coward Byul. I can’t even help myself. How am I going to take care of you? I’m a broken man Byul. I’ll just keep on destroying you if I’ll be selfish and hold on to you. This is not the kind of love that you should be fighting for. You shouldn’t live like this just because of me.”

It hurts for him and even for her. But he needs to do this now. For him.  For her.

“I will never regret every second of my life that I got to spend with you. I’ll never regret that I loved you, but the biggest mistake of my life is to drag you with me as I ruin myself."

He rests his forehead on hers. He closes his eyes, remembering this moment. Remembering how she feels in his arms. Remembering how close she was once to him.

“I need to end this now Byul.”

He doesn’t know that you can die even if your heart is still beating.

“Take care of yourself princess.” He lets her go.

“I love you, Jin.” She whispers.

“I love you, and I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to love you the way you deserve.”

She just stares at him, as he slowly turns his back from her. As he slowly walks away from her.

She sets him free.

Whenever I feel afraid, whenever I feel unsure, I’ll just hold onto your promise right Jinnie?

I did what I could. I’ll choose you over and over. And I’m choosing you again. I’m choosing us.

She looks at the paper that she’s been keeping since earlier and she mumbles a silent apology.

How many tribulations can a person endure in one lifetime before totally falling into the abyss of loneliness and despair?

~~~~
It's not that you can't love someone if you're still a work in a progress. We can. Anybody can. But if you're on the path of self-destruction, you'll just destroy others while wanting yourself to be fixed.

Just like what I told in the first chapter, if love is grounded on coping, though it's possible for the relationship to thrive, what usually happen is we sabotage the relationship.

But it doesn't mean that we didn't love the person. Maybe we just didn't know how to properly do since we don't have a solid concept of love if we find redemption through other people and if there are other factors at hand.

If you still remember, during the last chapter of Reckless 1, Jin said he found what's missing in him in Byul.
When something is missing IN you, you don't look for it in others. You find it WITHIN you.

It's hard and a very vague concept, but sadly, it happens.

He's learned how to love himself again right. But relapse happens. It's just a matter of make or break. If we just conceal our wounds instead of treating it, same things will happen. And it really happens in real life.

I personally experienced it so I can speak for myself. But then again, it happens to some, but don't for others.

You're lucky if you don't have to go through this kind of experience to have a person that you want to cherish.

Anyway, let's love them both!