Hues of an Abstract Mind (Arte del Amor #4)

Chapter 37

I survived the surgery, but a part of me died inside that operating room.

No. That was an understatement. It would be a lot more accurate if I say, I died in that operating room.

I wasn't the same. I didn't feel like myself, or at least not the self that I know of.

Wala na akong nararamdaman na sakit sa katawan maliban sa sariwang tahi sa dibdib ko.

When it's time to dress the wound and clean it, my pain tolerance would make me feel how painful it is to my body, but I can't bring myself to actually feel it and react.

It's like I have grown accustomed to the pain and I'm starting to like it. I know that it's not good. It's bad, even.

Ito ang klase ng pamamanhid na hindi maganda... dahil imbes na malaya lang, pakiramdam ko, namatay ako.

Feeling dead inside a very much alive body isn't exactly my concept of freedom.

Gusto kong ibalik 'yong pakiramdam ko bago ako pumasok sa operating room, dahil tunay akong napayapa at lumaya noon. Hindi ganito.

Saglit lang akong nanatili sa ospital dahil hindi ko masikmurang gumising doon bawat umaga.

Hindi rin ako nagpapasok ng kahit na sino maliban sa aking ina. Nagpapasok lang ako ng bago noong dumating si Dada.

Silang dalawa ang kasama ko doon sa malungkot na kwarto ng ospital. Ilang araw din na nanatili si Ate Sydney pero isang beses ko lang siya nakita sa tagal ng pagbisita niya mula Maynila.

Binantayan nila ako kahit na wala naman akong ibang ginawa kundi tumitig sa kisame, o kaya ay lumuha nang walang dahilan.

May mga gabi rin naman na gusto ko talagang mapag-isa kaya pinalalabas ko sila Mama at Dada.

It sucks to see them together and try to be friendly with each other just because I'm around.

With my father's arrival, I just confirmed the truth that there was nothing I could have done to salvage their relationship.

There was nothing left to fix and now that I'm seeing that in front of me, I am forced to accept it and just move on.

Somehow, I take special comfort with the fact that both of my parents are here... and they love me despite not loving one another. Thinking about it in that light makes this setup a little bit tolerable than focusing on the last thing I mentioned.

Nabanggit din nila sa akin na palaging may mga dumadating na bisita roon sa labas. Kilala ko naman kung sino-sino. Kaunti lang ang mga kaibigan ko. Mabibilang ko sila gamit lang ang mga daliri ko sa kamay.

Kaya sino ang hindi magugulat na pagkauwi ko, punong-puno ang living room namin ng mga bulaklak, ng mga basket ng prutas, get well soon cards, at ng mga lobo?

A lot of the presents were from the people I met in college, those who I've somehow become friends with.

It was kind of surprising to see the cards from Ambrose's friends though. I don't know most of them but of course, I recognize the names Ashriel Zuniga and Kaius Alcazar too well. How does anyone just forget that they became friends with those two?

I have to admit, this is sweet, and it's nice to know that people think of me and wish me well even though we haven't seen each other in a long time. That's something I would do, I just didn't expect people would also do it for me.

Nabigla nga lang ako sa sarili ko dahil hindi ako tumalon sa tuwa, hindi rin ako napangiti nang makita ko ang mga 'yon. Nakatayo lang ako. Nakatitig at hindi alam ang gagawin o sasabihin.