Title: Queen Clumsy (@puh_lease_bitch )
Nice alliteration. The cover is clean too, not to my personal taste but well made.
Audience: Young adult
I can see this as a YA but college-based settings are normally New Adult because people are more likely to read characters in their own age group, so that's something to consider.
Genre: Romance/Humour
Initial thoughts: Wow, look at me actually putting this section to use. Okay, bestie, that blurb has 11 sentences and 5 of them start with 'But'. I will tell you right now, you need a line editor.
Hook: Girl is forced to go to university in New York by overbearing parents. On a surface level it doesn't seem too terrible a fate. It is New York after all, and I got the impression that her parents were paying for everything. But the idea of having control of your future taken away from you indefinitely is something I think a lot of people would agree is frightening.
Characters: The main character, Cynthia, is a basic Wattpad protag. She's your average depressed clutzy white girl who loves books and coffee and happens to also be pretty and gets good grades. Her super controlling parents happen to be super rich, and her older sister... exists, and is prettier than Cynthia, according to Cynthia.
Ava is Cynthia's inner voice. I don't know anyone who names and has conversations with their inner voice, I think that might be symptomatic of a cluster A personality disorder.
Chapter two introduces two new male characters, one who Cynthia already knows and hates, and one who she meets and thinks is cute and nice. That's all there is about them in that chapter, and since that's where I stopped... I guess I'll never know more.
Syntax: The pacing was decent and the voice was alright for the intended genre and audience. However there wasn't much atmosphere or physical description.
Technicality: The author mentioned English is not their first language; good job learning a whole new language! But you need an editor. There were a lot of mistakes, including missing capitals, incorrect punctuation, and misused words.
Formatting: The formatting of the paragraphs was clean for the most part. And then there were pictures added into the middle of the story...
Girl, you should not ever rely on a picture to describe any part of your story for you. As a reader, I am here to read what the character looks like, not play picture book with selfies. I understand having faceclaims and setting image boards, but those are strictly 'extra' bits and don't belong squished between paragraphs of the actual story.
Oof I felt mean writing that. The pics were nice, they just didn't belong there.
Final thoughts:
4/10 - It's a start, the hook has potential, but this needs a lot of work.
