Why Me?

chapter 7

(Meredith's POV)

I woke up to my intern group doing rounds on me with Dr. Bailey. "Meredith Grey, 32. Day 1 post-op after a removal of one kidney and day 1 of rehab starts today. Vitals are stable and her tube feed will be replaced in one hour.", George said. Izzie, Cristina, Alex, and George all gave me a small wave.

"You will meet your very talented physical therapist, Dr. Nadia Adams, in about an hour to do some basic things with you like going to the bathroom and sitting up. I'll be back to check on you later.", Bailey said.

"Bye Mer.", Alex, George, Izzie, and Cristina said with a smile before leaving the room.

When everyone left, Derek brushed my hair, gave me damp cloth for my face, and helped me change into a new gown while still laying down.  "Derek?", I whispered. "Yea?", Derek asked while throwing my old gown away.

"What if I don't do well in therapy today? I'm kinda nervous. I feel very weak and my whole body is achy.", I said truthfully. "It's okay to struggle a little Mer. I know you'll do well but give your self a break. You just had major surgery and sepsis. Give yourself sometime to recover mentally and physically, besides the gastroparesis but that will become easier to manage in time.", Derek said stroking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

Derek and I talked about random things for a little until my physical therapist came in.

"Hi Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd, I'm Dr. Adams and I'll be your physical therapist throughout your hospital stay and after as well. How are you?", Dr. Adams said kindly. "I'm okay, and you can call me Meredith since you're going to be spending a lot of time with me.", I said with a slight smile. "Okay, Meredith! Great, would you like your husband to stay during this therapy session or wait somewhere else? I'll be doing everything in your room for the first week or two until you're strong enough.", Dr. Adams asked. "Uh, Derek? Could you go? I'm sorry but I want to be independent and I don't want you to always have to help me.", I asked with a little regret. "Oh of course. Just page me when you're done. I'll go to the cafeteria for a bit. Love you Mer.", Derek said and kissed my cheek. "Love you too."

"Okay. So we are just going to start with some arm and leg movements while you're still in bed to get your muscles warmed up.", Dr. Adams said. "Ok." "First, circle your feet and point and flex them. Do it for 30 seconds seconds, 10 times on each side. I want you to do it for every hour you're in bed, when you are not sleeping of course, to reduce the risks of blood clots. Let me know when you finish."

"Done.", I said. "Alright. How did that feel? Any pain, numbness or tingling?" "Um, no I just feel really weak." "Okay, that's to be expected. Let's do a few other small exercises like that and then we'll work on sitting up.", Dr. Adams explained.

After a few slightly painful exercises, I was already tired but I knew I had at least another hour or so left of P.T. "When you sit up on your bed, make sure you use your arms for most of your weight. Try to be wary of your arm with the I.V but you have to be even more cautious for your incision. Okay, let's start. Use your arms to bring yourself up to a sitting position but if it gets hard at any point just tell me and I'll help you."

"Ughhh," I say in pain as I sit up. I can feel my stitches stretching and my whole body aching. My arms start to tremble and threaten to give out but I finally make it to sitting position. "Awesome Meredith!! How do you feel?", Dr. Adams asked happily. "Like I'm going to die. Can I just lay back down?", I asked bitterly. "Not yet, we still have to get you standing. The faster you stand, the faster you are able to walk and the faster you are able to get home and not have to stay at the hospital. How does that sound?", Dr. Adams asked. 

I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. It's so dumb how I can barely sit up when just a month ago I was an intern doing 48 hour shifts in the best health of my life. And everyone just tells me to keep fighting and that I'll be ok. I was ok before I got a chronic illness that doesn't allow me to do basic life functions like eating. I was ok before I got a life threatening reaction to an infection. I was ok before I had one kidney removed. I was ok before all of this. And now, my life is flipped upside down. Sometimes, I wish I could just die and the pain would be over. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I don't know. I don't even care about anything anymore. I just wish I was ok.