One Day After School

07: Ang wakas

One day after school
_raconteurs_

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Chapter 07: Ang wakas

My life is pretty boring, but I like the solace it gives my being. Except from the pressure and the weigh on my shoulders, the still calmness of my life always warm my heart, but still... I couldn't deny the fact that there's a void that's been lingering inside of me.

I heave a sigh before turning my head into the classroom's window pane. The plants and the leaves of the trees are dancing with to the west, as the rain is pouring down lightly.

I don't like rainy days. It always makes me feel that I am alone and lonely, that there's no one there for me through my darkest and brightest days. I slowly breathe in as I close my eyes to clear the tears blocking my vision.

If my life is a book, my genre will be something heavy and dark. Because, that's my life.

Puro kalungkutan, kadiliman, na minsa'y nakakasakal na't gusto ko na lang mawala sa mundo. Minsan nga naiisip ko, worth it pa bang mabuhay? Kaya ko pa bang magpatuloy na ganito na lang palagi ang set up? Gusto ko lang naman sanang malaman 'kung bakit humantong sa ganito ang lahat.

Pagod na ako eh.

Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako.

Ayaw ko nang umiyak nang umiyak, pero hindi ko rin naman alam pa'no bumangon at kung gusto ko nga ba talaga.

My tears are the only ones who can comfort me.

Dahan-dahan akong napangiti ng malungkot.

Is it worth the try? I mean to fight and pick the broken pieces of my life and build it again. I am willing but I'm so tired of it. Ilang beses ko naman nang sinubukang lumaban eh. Lagi na lang akong mali, lagi na lang hindi sapat, lagi na lang silang may nasasabi. Dapat ganito daw ako, hindi ganyan.

I sometimes wish that one day, someone will enter my life, bringing some light. Kase ang dilim-dilim ng buhay ko. But I know that life isn't a fairy tale neither a novel nor a movie.

I realize that forgiving and forgetting aren't that easy. Especially to the one who should love you the most.

My Mom...

I lifted my head and lean back on my arm chair. My eyes stared at the ceiling, but my mind travelled to every bits and corner of my unfortunately mixed depression and anxiety.

Bakit kaya gano'n eh 'no?

Gusto 'kong magrebelde, gusto kong kumawala sa kadenang nakakasakal na, pero naiisip ko na magulang ko pa rin sila. It's like I am their investment, the one that will take care of them in the future. Ang importante, hindi nila ako sinasaktan physically. Meron pa naman akong Daddy eh, kaya ko pa 'to. Kakayanin. Atleast, may kakampi pa ako sa buhay.

To be honest, I want to sleep forever. I want to lay down inside a casket, hoping that my Mom would realize what she's been doing; what she have lost.

Kahit gano'n siya, mahal ko pa rin ang Mommy ko. Nanay ko 'yon eh, binigyan niya ako ng pagkakataon na mamulat sa mundong ito.

I mumbled my lips as tiny gasped for air came out from my mouth. Sobrang OA ko na ba?

Kung... Kung may Diyos pang nakikinig sa'kin, please. . . bigyan niyo'ko ng inspirasyong mabuhay pa.

Kinalma ko ang sarili ko habang titig na titig sa pintuan, nagbabakasakaling may pumasok doon at sagipin ako.

Lumipas ang ilang segundo... Na naging minuto... At malapit maging oras... Pero wala.