One Day After School

09: Crazier

Another day, another time to question my existence and my life. But it's a bit different today.

As the morning sun rises above its horizon, I watched how the light blue, blue-green, and yellowish white, mixed with the view through the car's window pane. The busy morning streets with those high end buildings and establishments, different vehicles and people such as students, workers etc., are walking to and fro, making the place lively.

I am holding my sketch book, picturing something on my mind, while sketching it on the paper placed on my laps.

A guy sitting on a swing, holding his guitar while looking up the night sky with dreamy eyes.

I frustratingly heave a sigh before flipping the pages until I found a sketch almost a month ago.

A girl standing on the edge of a building with one of her earphones hanging on her shoulder and a boy standing, hands on his pocket, trying to stop her.

I compared the two scenes on my mind. The boy at the park, and the boy on the school's hallway.

He's really familiar...

I frustratingly bit my lips while thinking deeply. I don't know if I'm hallucinating but, I think I saw him at Lourdes high?

- - -

"Goodbye and thank you, Sir Domingo!" We said in unison, bidding goodbye to our History teacher in time as the school bell rang.

As usual, I didn't move out from my seat but, now. . . Is a bit different than the usual. Today I'm not minding my own business, I'm observing every students, hoping to find someone with my keen eyes instead.

Our room are now filled with noises, mixed with those laughter and voices of other students coming from the hallway. The sea of students never really disappoints in making me crave for something, slapping me with the privilege they have that I don't.

How many times did I hope that it's just a phase? That this is just me in a situation that won't last long and then sooner, I can break these chains and spread my wings wide; free.

I sighed before moving my eyes to the window besides me, drowning with the scenery in front of me. I watched how the 3:00 pm suns rays lit up my surroundings with its golden hue.

Ilang taon na ba? Two? Three? Or almost four? Yet here I am, still stuck in a cocoon, caging my wings, not letting me break free.

Ilang ulit ko nang sinubukang mawala sa mundong ito, ang bawiin ang buhay ko. Pero wala eh, laging hindi natutuloy.

How can I break free?

I need some inspiration, something that will give me the courage to break free, anything that will give me strength, or maybe someone that will slap senses into my Mom's face? Puro si Ate Solace at trabaho lang kase 'yung nasa isip niya.

I sometimes wonder how did my father managed to still stay by my Mom's side? Bakit mahal pa 'rin niya si Mama? It feels so disrespectful to say or think about it but, hindi ba siya napapagod? My Father deserves better, hindi 'yung lagi na lang siya 'yung umintindi.

I don't know if my Mom loves him but I just hope that she do. Kahit sa Papa ko na lang, sa kaniya niya na lang ibigay 'yung pagmamahal na kailangan ko, it will put me at ease. As long as she cares about him, about their relationship, I will be happy.

Sad to think that, that never and will never, happen to me. No one loves me even just platonically, or the love that a family can give. No one, no one did.

Ang nag-iisa at kahuli-hulihang taong kayang gumawa no'n ay iniwan din ako. Nakakapagod ba akong mahalin at alagaan? I know that the answer is a yes. Hindi ko nga kayang mahalin ang sarili ko, sila pa kaya?