despise - negan x reader

chapter xxvii - stranded

tw: eating disorder-like behaviors

"well, looks like we're stranded," simon says as he look onto the huge crowd of walkers, "they'll probably take all night to clear out."

"get comfortable, kids! you keep that boy tied up, simon," negan says before climbing back into the truck. "we're gonna be here for awhile, darlin'."

"i can see that."

"don't be an ass."

"i'm just responding to you, what would you like for me to do?"

"i can name quite a few things i want you to do. for starters-"

"yea, never mind," i roll my eyes then shift them to outside the window.

our bantering continued until he went to go talk to the people he'd brought with him.

i waited for a few minutes before i quietly opened the truck door. before i go, though, i steal back the knife negan had placed on his seat. i was going to go get brandon, but the guards are surrounding him, so i leave.

i sneak through the field into the small town nearby. the walkers were about two miles away, so all i had to deal with was a few stragglers.

once i cleared out the tiny bookstore i found, i barricade the door and sit down. the bookstore was dusty and old, but still had a charming sense to it. it calmed me, gave me peace of mind. well, until i let the thoughts in again.

what the hell am i going to do?

he's made it very clear that i can't escape him, but the kids need to stay somewhere stable. somewhere they can get good role models. alexandria had to be that place, even if it meant i had to leave them. they had to come before my feelings.

i know it will hurt me, but at least now they'll be safe. they'll still be with family, they'll be smothered in the amount of family they have there. rick and michonne and so many others would make sure they stayed safe and felt loved.

i'd make it back to them one day, maybe when he gets over the feeling of having a new wife. when he sees that i won't have sex with him or do any of the things his other wives do, maybe then i can come back.

my chest aches at the thought, those children had practically become mine. they always would be, no matter how far away i had to go or what i had to do to keep them safe. i'd always love them.

my brain switches to negan, the words he'd said.

"i treat you all the same..."

really, did he? was i nothing other than another girl he entertained? it sure as hell didn't feel like that.

my head thuds against the wall as i shut my eyes, tears flowing down my face. why did i always do this?

i always got too attached. and now i have to go through heartbreak again, all while seeing him everyday and remembering all the time i'd spent with him.

the radio i'd stolen goes off, "where'd you go, y/n?" negan asks.

"just leave me alone. i'm coming back in the morning, just leave me the hell alone for one night," i said, straining to hide my sobs.

"y/n? where are you?" negan repeats in a worried tone. i shut it off and toss it across the room. he could leave me alone for one night.

i sat and cried for at least ten minutes before i stopped myself, "we can't do this all night," i whispered to myself as i stood up. i turned to the books, maybe i'd find something to distract me here for a bit.