despise - negan x reader

chapter xviii - slower

tw: eating disorder-like behaviors

i slumped against the desk, watching the time tick by. it seemed slower. like life didn't feel correct enough to go at regular speed.

carson waves his hand in front of me, we still weren't on the best terms but i could work with him. "y/n, are you okay? you look tired and -please don't take offense to this- sickly."

"i'm fine, just didn't eat today, i'll eat some chips in a minute."

he was right, i was hungry. i was tired. but i couldn't sleep and i often forgot to eat. i reach down for the diaper bag i'd accidentally grabbed and pull out the chips i always packed for mason's snack.

after i eat, i continue working, which consisted of one of his wives -amber as he called her- asking for a pregnancy test.

she smiled at me, a victorious one. i smile back at her, "need an std test with that?", her jaw drops open, "relax honey, i'm only joking."

exhaustion made me mean, but i couldn't make myself care right now. other than amber, we had no one. so i left thirty minutes early and went back to my room. i shut the door, locking it behind me.

after a quick shower, i found myself back under my comforter. i still didn't sleep, instead, i sat there. thinking, planning.

would i try to get the kids back? should i really leave them in alexandria? should i try to move back?

the questions racked my brain as i laid there. negan knocks on the door, twisting the doorknob, "y/n, open the door. please."

"go away, i'm fine. i ate, i went to work. i'm fine. please leave me alone."

"you know i can't do that. i'm coming in there one way or another."

i don't answer, instead, i slowly pull myself up and sludge to the door. i crack it open enough that he could see my face, "see, i'm fine."

he pushes the door completely open and walks in, shutting it behind him. "we need to talk."

"no, we don't. please don't do this. i'm barely handling it as it is."

he ignores me, a look of worry and frustration paints his face. "are you really going to get the kids in a week?"

"i don't know. all i know is that they can't be here. at least not right now."

"and why the hell not?"

i turn away from him, pacing back and forth as i explain, "they need stability. they need someone to watch over them who isn't going through shit right now. they need role models. they can't get that from me and definitely not this place right now."

"y/n, don't you think i should have been involved in this decision?"

"no, you aren't their father."

"no, i'm not. i'm the boss. i'm involved in every decision."

"whatever, it's over with now. i don't feel like fighting," i say as i slouch back down on the bed.

as mad as i was at him, i also felt peace. just the sight of him had calmed me, making my eyes heavy. he sits down on the bed beside me. silence fills the air for at least two minutes.

"what are we doing to each other?", he questions quietly. i couldn't tell if he was asking me or himself.

he pulls the covers down enough to see my face, then leans down and reconnects our lips. i kissed him back, in that moment it felt right. it felt destined.