despise - negan x reader

chapter xix - from now on

tw: negan being a golden retriever bf, disgusting fluff like ew emotions how dare i

i know i won't sleep well. for one, he isn't here. and two, that dream - or whatever it was - was still picking at my mind.

would rick or sarah really react like that? or was it just a figment of my imagination?

sarah was irrational, she acted on her feelings and thought later. it was her one flaw. but, she always came back and apologized for something once she thought about it. i wonder how she would feel about my relationship with negan. she was a sucker for love stories, maybe she'd be more hesitant but she'd probably come around.

rick, on the other hand, wouldn't understand. maybe if negan changed how he did things, ruled with fairness instead of fear, rick wouldn't completely hate me. i don't know if he'd ever let me see carl and judith again.

i know i'd get mason and mila back, sarah gave them to me. they were mine to care for now. carl and judith on the other hand, would probably only ever hear about me. rosita, sasha, and maggie would probably still hate me.

i feel bad for that, but then again, i didn't decide to fall for him. it just happened, maybe they'd understand, but i doubt it. i don't think i'll ever be able to forgive myself for hurting them.

there was nothing i could do now except overthink, so i force myself to close my eyes.

i was half asleep when negan came back in, taking his shirt and pants off before getting back in bed. "marry simon yet?"

"nah, not just yet. he wants a big white dress first."

i laugh as he pulls me to him, "promise you'll invite me to the wedding?"

"promise, you'll get a front-row seat," he laughs before becoming a tad bit more serious, "i let brandon out," he smiles before leaning in to kiss me.

"thank you," i say as he pulls away.

"mhm," he kisses me again and then pulls back. "i'm cold, you should take your pants off," he says nonchalantly.

"i should," i say as i pull my hands away and yank my pants off. i push him onto his back as i throw the pants to the side. he holds me there, on top of his chest.

i prop myself up on top of him, watching his face as i run my fingers through his hair. he looks like there's something bothering him. "what's on your mind?"

"i don't think i've felt like this since...," he trails off, "i haven't felt this way in a long time. there was someone before," he sighs. i pay close attention to everything he's saying, he's finally opening up.

"i had a wife before all this, her name was lucille," he pauses waiting for my reaction.

i wasn't shocked, i knew that name meant something to him. "what? usually, people think i'm crazy when i say that," he says.

"i always knew there was significance to it."

he smiles, "of course you did. anyways, i was really bad to her. i didn't hit her, of course not, but i cheated. she died before i could fix my mistakes. and i haven't felt like this in a long time, like i'd found someone i wanted to spend forever with. but you, the second i saw you, it was just...it was like i had to have you. the same way i felt about her when i first saw her. now, of course, i went about it a little differently back then," we chuckle, "but, it still feels the same. and i really hope i'm not alone in that feelin'."

i wait for a second as i watch him, "you aren't. but this is a first-time feeling for me, so you're gonna have to be patient."

he smiles up at me, "i think i can do that."