Therapy (Jalex)

Session 29

Patient: Alexander William Gaskarth

Notes: sudden relapse into depression, suicidal

-Dr. Bassam Barakat

-

"Alex, why did you forget about me?" I was sitting in my living room. Tom was sitting across from me. His expression was utter disappointment and sadness, and it made me want to cry. I didn't want to see him like this.

"I-I didn't," I stammered, blinking rapidly. "I would never."

"Really?" Tom raised a thick eyebrow. "Seems to me you're trying."

"What do you mean?"

"The alcohol, the drugs... Jack." Tom looked me dead in the eyes, his gaze piercing. I noticed that there were tears in his eyes, and I started to panic.

"No... no," I murmured. "You don't understand. I can't do it."

"You can't forget me? Why do you say it like it's a bad thing?" Tom's voice grew in volume, and I shrunk back into my seat. I swallowed hard and broke down crying under his painful stare.

"It is!" I cried. "I don't want to remember that you're... you're gone! I can't do it! Every time I do, I want to fucking kill myself! Jack is a temporary distraction!"

"Do you know how fucking hard it is for your own brother to want to forget you?" Tom shouted at me, his cheeks wet. "It's the worst thing ever! Sometimes I wish I could die a second time!"

"No, no, no you don't," I blubbered. "You don't! I don't want to cause you pain, but I can't live with myself knowing that you're dead, Tom."

"Just accept it and remember me."

I woke up, gasping for air. My pillow was wet with tears, and I was hiccuping. Every inch of my body was shivering involuntarily, and I didn't know what to do.

That was the worst afternoon nap ever.

I checked my phone. It was only 2:38, and my parents wouldn't be home for hours, and the house was currently empty, so I started screaming my head off just because it seemed as if life had turned around and bit my foot off.

I pulled my knees to my chest, lowered my head into my knees, and started screaming in terror. That dream cut open a wound in my heart that I didn't know how to heal. Tom blamed me? My heart thumped in my ribcage, and my nails dug into my arms. The screams eventually gave way to sobs. My chest felt like it was being ripped to shreds, and I didn't know how to respond. Dealing with pain was something I didn't know how to do.

He's dead, I thought, and he wants me to remember that he's dead. Why? Why would he want to put me in so much pain?

I knew I couldn't do it. My heart was sore, and my brain felt like it was melting. All the sadness I had avoided by being with Jack came rushing at me at once, and I felt like I would explode. I grasped my head with my hands tightly, trying to squeeze the pain away. My breaths quickened, and I felt like I was choking on my tongue.

"I can't do it," I bawled. "I'm sorry, Tom. I'm so sorry I tried to forget you, but I have to!"

Even now, I could feel Tom's anger and sadness. I didn't know if I even believed in an afterlife, but my dream seemed so real. I couldn't stand the thought of Tom being upset because of me. It stabbed through my ribs like an ice spear, leaving me numb and gasping in its wake.

I can't live with myself knowing you're dead, I thought miserably. I can't.

If I can't live, I might as well die.