Ineffably Yours

Catching Up and Off Guard

TW: OCD attacks/episodes, discussions of parental abuse and neglect/abandonment

"You sure you're up for this?" Crowley asked Jenna, deep voice full of concern as he peered down into her face nervously.

Jenna rolled her eyes and smiled up at him in love and exasperation. "For the 56 trillionth time, yes," she sighed, rubbing his left arm affectionately. "I've had four days off to sleep, cry and eat 45 gallons of cookie dough ice cream. I am more than ready to return to the real world and distract myself from......stuff." She looked away awkwardly, blue-green eyes downcast.

Crowley pulled her into a warm, tight hug as they waited in Purgatory's lobby on one of the stiff black couches for the meeting to begin. "I'm so sorry, love," he whispered into her hair, kissing her head as she snuggled into him. "I can't imagine what this is like for you."

"Sure you can," she muttered, allowing his comforting embrace and steady heartbeat to soothe her. "You were rejected by Heaven, by Her, the only home and parental figure you ever knew, just because you were different. Beautifully, wonderfully, magnificently different, but that's beside the point." At this, Crowley chuckled fondly and nuzzled her head with his cheek.

"You of all beings know how it feels, feeling neglected and unloved," continued Jenna, pulling away slightly to look into his soulful amber eyes. "And your situation was way worse than mine!"

Crowley shook his head and placed a gentle finger to her full pink lips, returning her gaze with an illegally high level of love and adoration. "It doesn't work that way, love. All trauma is valid and equally terrible, even though it manifests differently. And you forget," he added, moving his finger to point at her when she opened her mouth to argue, "angels mature differently than humans. I was born as a fully-formed adult, or the celestial equivalent, and had experienced Her unconditional love for a very, very long time before Falling. Time wasn't created yet, so I can't give you an actual time frame, but--"

"Yeah, but that makes it a billion times worse!" Jenna countered, frowning up at her boyfriend. "You were used to receiving regular care and affection from Her, and to just have it yanked away must have been--"

"It wasn't just 'yanked away,'" Crowley muttered, looking away mournfully. "It was--gradual. Expected. Not--not that surprising after a bit."

Jenna noticed his darkened demeanor and looked down guiltily. "I'm so sorry, Crowley," she murmured. "I shouldn't have mentioned that topic, that was just cruel of me--"

Crowley shook his head and hugged her tighter, sniffling and burying his face in her thick hair. "You're never cruel, Jenna. You're wonderful, and caring, and so compassionate," he sighed reverently, closing his eyes to stem the hot tears. "It's--it's just hard to remember, 's all."

"Yes," agreed Jenna vehemently in a high, distressed tone, clutching him firmly and starting to cry as well, "which is why I shouldn't have brought it up!"

Crowley shook his head, but before he could reply she sobbed, "You deserve to be with a good person, someone who doesn't hurt you!"

"Sweetheart, let's just--"

"I don't want to be like him!" Jenna wailed, burying her face in Crowley's jacket and sobbing freely. "But I am, I wreck everything I touch! I don't want to make your life worse, it's already terrible enough! You should just leave me, Crowley! Just leave me." Her voice, while not shouting, echoed sharply in the cavernous lobby, which added to her distress even though they were the only ones present.

Crowley bit his lip and sobbed with her. During the first 48 hours after the disastrous dinner with Jenna's adoptive father, she had countless exhaustive OCD episodes that ended with Jenna screaming at him not to reassure her, leading to their first fight. Jenna was so ashamed of herself for lashing out at Crowley when he was just trying to help that she decided to leave for a hotel. However, when the demon walked in on her packing, he panicked and yelled at her to stop.