Being A Badgirl

Internal conflict

Song above is Stitches by Shawn Mendes (Best song ever I swear) I'm not entirely sure if it fits the chapter so please listen to it and tell me okay?

"I'm trying to calm down. But I can't! Its like asking a zebra to eat meat. Or me to love maths. Its impossible! Have you ever had a broken heart? Do you think I want to remember? Why the fuck will I do that? What makes you think I don't want to fucking calm down?"
I screamed at my useless counsellor. My voice was already hoarse from the countless times I screamed my lungs out when I slept, dreaming of what Nicole said and afterwards, she would hold hands with Ron and walk away, their laughter echoing off the space.

Or them doing what Nicole said she did. Doing what the rumours said. I screamed for Ron. Screaming at him to never let me go. But he did. In my dreams he mocked me. Stood at a distance, requested to be my boyfriend and when I called out his name, the happy scene changes. Him holding hands with Nicole. Him kissing Nicole. Hands ran loose, breathless giggling and sobs. Sobs of anguish, dispair, agony from me as I watched, bound by invisble threads, unable to run, shield my eyes.

I couldn't do anything.

My counsellor just sat there and tries to comfort me.
I don't get counsellors. At least the ones that counsel me. They always make it sound like I'm wrong. Attempting to brainwash me into believing that the Ron is right. And that I'm seeing 'the breakup as a negative thing'. But what do they know? Do they comprehend how it feels to have your heart ripped into shreds? The searing pain that races through you when you discover how you were lied to. That you gave your heart so willingly to the hands of another party and that person snipped it to bits, tore it to pieces, smashed it to shards?

Isn't a breakup negative? She's just trying to make me believe that I shouldn't be crying over a breakup cause its a positive thing?

Well. I fucking can't! You can't just expect me to go along with it. You can't expect me to be like," Ok. Breakups are positive. Now stop crying and continue living."

Da Fuck?
No.

When the counsellor tries to convince me once more with her usual "Now Janice listen to me", I stood up abruptly. Giving her a perfect view of my middle finger, I said," Why thank you Ms. Drewas. Unfortunately. What ever you just said was fucking useless. And I suggest you either take more courses to upgrade yourself. Or, get a new job. Cause you're a disgrace to all counsellors. Do you actually think getting over shit like this will be an easy job? Why not you fucking try huh? Why not give a shot at having your trust shattered so easily? Do you understand the shit I've been through? You don't! People like you never do. You sit around and give shit as advice thinking it'll improve our lives but nothing will ever work. Nobody, other than the heartbreaker him/herself will be able to mend the broken heart. Patch it up with the part they torn out." Having said my share, I stormed out, ignoring the protests to stay by my counsellor.

~      ~       ~        ~        ~

I've been skipping school since that day. Jan and Calista (who wasn't even mad at me) were super kind to me as they were helping me through. They tried to crack lame jokes. This method didn't work cause at that point of time, I was numb. Numb with pain to feel anything. Oblivious to the hell I put Jan and Calista through. But lately, I've gotten better. Perhaps it was from just staying in bed all day and drinking all night.

A fragment of me came back. Or maybe it was always there. Plotting silently, waiting for a turn. The vengeful side. Wanting to get back at Nicole. Those bruises I gave to her at school, its just physical pain she can heal from. I want her to feel my pain magnified by a thousand. Perhaps leave some emotional scarring she can never recover from.

But, what would I gain? Dark, grim satisfaction only I will understand and savour like a candy. Will Ron feel angry? Sad? Why do I care about how he feels when he didn't give a fuck about mine? He certainly didn't consider my thoughts nor feelings before he went behind me with some dumb bitch. All the better. Ron and Nicole. Since they love each other that much, might as well prepare to face my wrath together.