Never Again

16.

ʀ ɪ ʟ ᴇ ʏ

I never knew it would be this much pain to just recover from something that is not your fault. I wish it would be my fault it would give me a reason to go through the pain but I don't have one. Maybe I wasn't their for him? He didn't feel loved by his two daughters ? He was in pain I put him through? I don't know but since I woke up from a coma I've been numb. Ethans been here from the start once he left a bunch of doctors came running in since Ryder called them.

I never wanted to be gone this much until now. I can't sleep at night every time I close my eyes the darkness takes me away and I don't come back. One I sleep i only sleep thirty minutes tops and then I shoot up from my bed. I never wanted to cry this bad from how exhausted I am. I can't eat when I eat I throw it up I can't keep it in me. It's like I'm failing in life to live like a normal person I want to be normal but I never will be.

The questions, are you okay? are you sure? do you need anything? I'm here for you Riley, remember? I just want them to end. I'm not alright but I answer the question form the opposite. I just say, yeah I'm okay, yes I am sure, no I'm good, I know your here and when I need you I'll call you. I'll usually just end it with a chuckle, smile, or a laugh to brighten the mood but it doesn't seem to help. I just want to disappear focus on myself.

I have to go to court for my Father Christopher Jackson Smith. My court date March 23, 2021 in a couple of days. Since I am the 'victim' something I don't liked being called they have to see what they did to me. Basically how I look now which is sad. Life hasn't been good to me and I know nothing good is coming up soon so I just the guilt, the pain, the dark take over my body.

Looking out the window the stars shining in the air looking like little sprinkles I chuckle looking over at my sleeping sister her mouth open with drool sliding down her cheek onto the pillow. Her dark hair falling off the small couch on the side of the room, her cheeks red from I guessing the heat in the room, her button nose red ass well a few coughs leaving her mouth along with some sniffles. She's sick. Fuck I have to take of her no more about me it's her now. It's all my damn fault letting her sleep in the hospital I am the one who did this.

Lifting the hospital blanket off my legs revealing the bruises and the patched cuts throwing my legs on the side standing up with a groan. The hospital door opening with a sigh escaping my lips. Another doctor. Ignoring them I walk to Lia taking off the blanket letting the breeze hit her body to cool her down.

"Riley get in the bed I'll do it." A voice speaks up it startles me turning my body to face to voice. Ethan. A sigh escaping my lips I fix the blanket putting Lia's hair into a small bun getting the hair that was sticking form her neck. Walking back to the bed I lay back down.

"She okay ?" He speaks up sitting down on the chair by my bed. Getting my self comfortable I sigh turning the Ethan his dark eyes staring into mine I smile seeing his eyes glow. Something in him I want to know but I don't know what it is.

"She's sick. All because of me." Letting my eyes break from his a hand going on mine I chuckle turning back to him. He smiles before I lay my other hand on his.

"You know that not true Riley. Every time the world goes on things happened we can't just blame them on ourselves. Sometimes you think it's your fault but there is other reasons you can't just blame it on yourself. Life goes on you can't just hold that guilt with you every time. Life moves on everyday, every second, or even minute sometimes you have to let go." He speaks up nodding my head. I understand him but I don't have a reason I want to tell him but I can't.

"I don't have a reason to move on." I said I'm finally speaking my thoughts to someone I can trust. Ethan is someone who can speak from his heart he speaks the trust that's something I learned from him.

"You don't need a reason because it's not your fault you don't don't blame something on you from something that happened to you." He rubs circles on my knuckle with his thumb. Workouts even knowing tears are streaming down my face he removes his hand from my hold and wipes the tears away.

"Cry Riley. Let the hurt the guilt leave you. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I care about you and I don't think I can ever stop." He says moving a peace of hair putting it behind me ear his hand drying behind my head I smile with a sob escaping my lips. Lifting the blanket he moves his hand removing his shoes before sliding I got he bed with me.

"I never new I'll ever make it to the bed stage with Riley Smith." He speaks up a chuckle coming out of my mouth hitting his chest not that hard I roll my eyes.

"Enjoy it lover boy because this is the only time." I laugh. His arm going around my shoulder I snuggle into his chest more tracing the black ink on his forearm. Aria.

"Who's Aria ? You don't have to answer it I'm probably getting to person. I'm sorry we can just talk about something else umm I don't know what do you think-"

"She's dead." I get cut off form my rambling. The way he says it in a cold way not emotions.

"Who was she to you? If you don't mind." I rub my thumb over the inch a little flinch comes up from my cold hands. Great what a way to ruin the moment Riley? Rolling my eyes to myself he takes deep breath.

"You don't have to answer it it's totally fine." I rub him arm he nods before planting a kiss on my forehead I chuckle feeling his lips roux my scalp.

"I'm sorry." He speaks up removing his lips his hand rubbing against my cold arm.

"For what exactly?" I peek my head up my chin nod resting on his chest his eyes meet mine before he strokes a hair behind my ear. A smile coming to my lips as well with his. Why do I want kiss his so bad? No Riley he's your friend !

"Everything I want there to help you." He speaks up bringing my bottom lips between my teeth bitting on it tasting the metal in my mouth I let it go. A sigh breaking my lips I look back at him my hand going to the side of his face.

"Sometimes you think it's your fault but there is other reasons you can't just blame it on yourself." I repeat his words my thumb brushing his soft cheek a smile spreading across his face he sighs still looking in my eyes.

"I don't know what I'll be doing if I have never met you Smith." My last name coming out his mouth makes me feel alive around him. He smiles his lips going to my forehead feeling the warmness brush against my forehead.

I don't know either Ethan Williams.

***
Sorry for the short chapter today I promise next chapter will be longer!

-m<3