Never Again

25.

ʀ ɪ ʟ ᴇ ʏ

I never thought losing father would be so hard even though he was never there for me, never protect me, always hurt me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I always wanted him to hold me as I cried myself to sleep but he never did, he'll laugh at my face saying he'll do something that I'll cry about. I always thought a father was supposed to love you , hold you when your going through the worse , making sure your okay , and will protect you from boys who will try to go out with me.

But he was the nightmare that I cried myself to sleep balling up into a ball with my knees to my chest sobbing my eyes out, my screams muffling with the pillow I'm holding down on my face , hearing his laughter from the other side of the door also his friends drinking , smoking , laughing at me curled up into the ball. His friends laughter growing and growing. Lia tossing and turning in her sleep wrapping my arms around her stopping from waking up she calms down falling back to sleep.

Why does he always do this ? Bring his friends over knowing his 'daughters' are trying to have a one good night a sleep. One. At least, I haven't slept in three days in a row my father beating me to the in the night terrified going to bed , my fathers friends yelling me to go downstairs to entertain them, and my father dragging me out in the middle of the night pulling me into his room and holding me down. I never thought my father will do that but is excuse was the worst. 'You look just like your mother Riley, I can't help myself she left - she left me and she must pay with her daughter' then he'll leave with a smirk walking away.

"Chris, why don't you bring-what's her name-ahh! Riley why don't you bring her down-I need a little break-she knows how to help me well." Blue, I know weird name but I'm only aloud to call him that the rest call him by his first name. He was the one who I was terrified of, tall, muscular, dirty blonde hair falling over his forehead, tattoos covering his body not the ones girls find attractive horrible ones, his black color almond shaped eyes that will always bring tears to my eyes staring at him the darkness in him.

"Riley! Get your ass down here-the men need a little break! Now!" I can't just feel the smirk on his face with hesitation sitting up wiping the tears away before standing up placing a kiss on Lia's forehead a small little smiles shows before it fades from her. Tears burning up my eyes opening the door the creek going through the hallway of the upstairs.

I don't want to go. But last time I did Lia got involved she got hurt from me. I always have to fuck up everything and everyone's lives.

Stepping down the stairs the creeks on one step catches everyone's attention three male and Christopher sitting on the couch. Christopher have a beer in his hand taking a sip - a smirk on his face, Blue-a cigarette between his lips and a beer bottle in his hands, Nathaniel the other guy nothing in his hands he just sits there a smirk on his face looking up and down from my body licking his lips slowly, and Martin-he's older than the men but he doesn't help he sits with his phone in his hands a cigar between his fingers his phone goes down before he glares a me.

"You know what to do." Nathaniel he whispers tears building up in my eyes they all scoff before I nod slipping my arms through my shirt lifts it up my black leaving me in my bra and my sweats. They always had me doing this or they cut it off with the knife burning through my skin I know what will happens if I didn't listen. He nods towards the sweats sliding them down whisper 'no, please, stop' multiple times but they'll chuckle. My black bra and underwear showing they horns before Blue stands up pulling me towards his lap.

A silent sob escaping me, a hard grip on my hips he starts rocking me back and forth a grown escaping him tears sliding down my cheek as I look up at the ceiling praying to god making it stop.

"Please, no." I whisper just him to hear me but he ignores unhooking my bra strap it falling into my lap before turning my head looking at Christopher, my father he smirks taking a drink of his beer. Blues hands roaming my body his filthy lips touching every inch with a grown. "No,no, no." I whisper again praying hell stop but he lays me down on the couch with Nathaniel moving to the smaller one across from us.

Blues lips attacking my neck, my breast, my lower stomach. Turning my head tot he side meeting eyes with Martin his smirk falls before seeing the guilt , the hurt , regret in his eyes tears sliding down my cheeks still whispering no, stop, please, over and over before my under slide down making my eyes close knowing what's going to happen next. A silent sob breaking down me feeling Blue entering groans , moans , chuckles filling the room of me and the men. The men who rapped me over and over nightly as I told them to stop.

"Fuck baby you feel so good around me."

Jolting awake a sob breaking me arms wrap around my shoulder my head going into someone's neck sobs breaking me. Needing the comfort my arms wrap around the person as they usher me I'm safe. My sobs not stopping feeling the pain going through my body the guilt , threatening , numb going down my body I let it out into the persons neck.

"It's okay cariño...it's okay...I'm here...I'm here everything is okay." Ethan. Ethan whispers into my ear rubbing my back comforting me breaking down into his arms was something I never wanted to happen but look at me breaking down I his arms.

The sobs stop remembering Blues hands touching my body-roaming my body, his disgusting hands touching each scar whispering horrible things to me, his lips touching me when I told him no, him inside me being the worst hot lie feeling. It's horrible. I don't want to be here anymore. I have secrets I keep from my friends , secrets I don't want to say, secrets they'll probably hate me for especially Ethan. I never thought I'll be in so much pain form keeping something from people I love.

"It's okay cariño. I'm right here." He rubs my back, still sobbing into his bare chest lifting my head meeting his eyes my hands go to the side of his face tears sliding down my cheeks. Tasting the salt on my lips as I slowly put my lips on Ethan he kisses me back.

His soft firm lips moving against mine the tears stopping down my eyes. My stomach twisting and turning tasting the love he gives me everyday. Everything in the world stopping all I once we both pull away ur forehead touching a small smile coming form my lips we both lay down my head in his chest hearing his heartbeat slow down against my ear.

"You can tell me anything cariño. I'm here for you...always." He promises, more tears coming to my eyes sliding down on my cheek and into his chest. His arm wrapped around my waist and the other going through my hair. His chest rising feeling him falling back to sleep the soft snore coming from him. Slipping out of his arms he groans before i walk out the room and onto the balcony.

It's dark , the stars shining in the air watching over me , the moon far into the distance. My life has always came back up but falls down at the same time. I'm always happy one day then the next it comes down people say it's life but mine never stops. It just replays and replays. Sometimes I want to beg, beg someone to help me, getting me out of my numb sad life. I want to be happy.

My mother is dead. I don't blame because once she was alive she'll be there for me but not always she wasn't there for my first date , my first kiss , my first relationship. I'll always try talking to her all she'll do is nod before walking up the stairs into my fathers and hers room next then you know is them having sex. She was always looking at me seeing disappointment but I never knew what I did wrong. Everyone thought my mother and father were amazing but they'll always leave me with children she'll push out.

When Lia was two she was calling my mommy not my mother. My mother would get mad when she would try to hold her but Lia always wanted to be in my arms she wanted to be held by me , fed by me , changed by me. She would put me in my room saying they need alone time without me there. Most days she was there for me but not the important ones not the ones I needed her the most.

My hand going to my stomach tears sliding down my face.

"My baby." I whisper.

The only thing I wanted to live for was my child but he never made it.