I really need to do something right now. The situation is insane. Jackson will hate me for good if I leave him.
But Marcus will hate me even more if I refuse to be together again.
But what do I really want?
I want to be happy.
I think Marcus makes me happy and he's going to make me even happier. But that's not 100% sure. Because maybe his words won't keep up with his actions. He's really willing to try this out and I know he's seriously in love with me.
But so is Jackson.
Jackson was there when no one was. He loved my imperfections. But I didn't fall even for his perfections.
So I don't want to hurt him again.
If I tell him right now that I want to break up, it will be kind of expected.
Maybe he thinks that I'm going to break up with him because I met Marcus today.
And that's what I'm supposed to do after all this conversation with Marcus.
But I'm going to let him down.
Again.
I have to talk to him.
I have to talk to Jackson and explain myself. He knew all along that I couldn't get over Marcus.
I will try and we will find a solution to my problem.
The next day after the conversation with Marcus, I called Jackson as soon as I woke up.
Jackson: Yeah?
Me: Jackson? It's me. Olivia.
Jackson: Oh. Hi.
Me: I was wondering how are you doing.
Jackson: Doesn't really matter, to be honest. So you want us to talk, right?
Me: Jackson... I'm really struggling right now and I need your help for the last time. I promise.
Jackson: I don't want to help you again. You played with me. I believed in you and you played with me.
Me: I didn't.
Jackson: Answer me a question. Did you and Marcus kiss yesterday?
Damn.
That kiss I'm not proud of.
But I really wanted to do more than a kiss.
I wanted to make him mine.
Me: Sorry Jackson... I didn't kiss him back. But to be honest I wanted to.
Jackson: Enough. We're over. That's what you were going to tell me anyway so I helped you in this, right?
Me: I.. I just wanted you to help me. You said you're going to stand by me no matter what.
Jackson: Yes, I did say that. But, Olivia, you also said that one day, sooner or later, you're going to get over all the situation between you and Marcus. That was a fucking lie.
Me: I said that I would try to get over him. I know I did wrong. I know I shouldn't have even start this relationship with you. But I liked you. I did. And I still do. But Marcus is something I can't explain.
Jackson: Excuses. You never really liked me. I don't know why you did this to me. But it doesn't matter anymore. You can go find Marcus. But if anything happens to you because of him then don't come to me crying and telling me I was fucking right. Because Marcus is a dick and he's going to break your heart. And when this happen, I won't be there for you. Alright?
I was crying not knowing what to say.
I didn't make any noises because I didn't want Jackson to know.
His words broke my heart.
Me: Why are you being so cruel?
Jackson: Yeah, you're right. I am the one at fault again.
Me: I'm sorry.
Jackson: Don't call me again. It's over.
He ended the phone call and I started crying even more.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I broke his heart and he broke mine as well.
And all this for Marcus.
I shouldn't have done this.
I hurt the one that I love, Jackson. Just to be together with the guy that I'm not even sure if he loves me.
But I would do anything for him.
I would still do anything for him.
For Marcus.
I'm a fool for him and I'm falling not knowing how to stop.
All I ever wanted was him.
No matter how much I tried I didn't want anyone else. Or anything else.
I just wanted to be with Marcus.
I know I hurt people. People that I love and people that I care about.
But Marcus made me blind.
His love makes me blind.
No matter how many people was going to get hurt, I didn't ever actually cared. Because I would do anything just to be with Marcus.
I didn't want to admit this.
I didn't want to admit that Marcus could affect me in that way.
I didn't want to admit that a guy would make me do this kind of crazy things.
I didn't want to admit that I couldn't live without him.
