Everything Underneath Us

47

S A M A R R AH

"Mom." Tawag ko kay Mommy bago s'ya tuluyang pumasok sa k'warto n'ya. 

She looked at me and offered a small smile before lifting an eyebrow, asking about the sudden mention.

"Can we talk?" Tanong ko sa kan'ya. She titled her head a little and sighed to bring her posture back. She then nodded her head and pointed the door of her office.

Tahimik akong sumunod sa kan'ya. She opened the door and directly sat down in the couch, which I found out a new one.

Umupo ako sa tabi n'ya pagkatapos isarado ang pinto. Heaven knows how I wanted to open my mouth to speak, but I just couldn't. I don't know how to say everything without leading her in some accusation.

What accusation are you talking about, Samarrah? I shook my head silently.

"Speak now, Samarrah." Diretsong saad ni Mommy sa akin. Marahil ay naiinip na. "Gusto ko na ipahinga ang utak ko. Mas'yadong pinagod ng Avalla ang utak ko kakaisip. Why the hell they are trying to imply about the invitation? Stupida."

I sighed. "Mommy." Awat ko. My forehead unconciously furrowed. She raised her eyebrow on me. Para bang hinahamon ako sa paraan ng pagtingin n'ya.

"What, Samarrah?" Paghahamon nito.

Huminga ako ng malalim. "About that, can't we give them a little respect? They —"

She dramatically gasps. Shocked and disappointed, she spoke. "Respect? You want me to treat them with respect? Are you serious, Samarrah? After what happened?"

She didn't hide her disappointment. Kitang-kita iyon sa mukha n'ya. Halata na ang ilang maliliit na linya sa gilid ng mga mata at ilan sa kan'yang noo. Ngayon na natitigan ko s'ya, I could see some white hair strands peeking.

Her age sudden crossed my mind that saddened my heart. I took steps closer and gently hold her hand. It's depressing to have this kind of moment. I'm not hoping anything bad, but I know our time together is not as long as I am wanting. And it's really sad, thinking about the years we've wasted to be this close now.

"Mom," Ngumiti ako. "Mommy Mavis.... She is special to me. And also, Daddy Jonas. They've become my family too. Wala silang ginawa kundi maging mabuti sa akin."

She grimaced. "They raised a cheater."

Nagparte ang mga labi ko. An unnamed emotion danced inside me. I blinked and shook my head. "Past is past." Wala sa sarili kong saad.

Kahit ako, hindi ko alam kung saan nagmula ang mga salitang iyon. But one thing I'm sure, I am tired crying about everything that has been done. I've cried enough; and I don't want to spend my remaining life crying.

I should've got the courage to do that before.

I met the pair of her judgmental eyes before she shook her head in disapproval. "I don't know what to do with you anymore."

I closed my eyes and sighed again. "Mommy, they did not do anything to me. Mabait sila sa akin. They took care of me. They supported me. They loved me.  Please, let's just.... forget?" Kahit ako ay hindi naging sigurado sa huling salitang binanggit.

That's what I wanted to do. Even if it's impossible to just forget everything happened.

"We are both wrong, Mommy. We both did something unforgivable. And it's... It's really unfair." Pagpapaliwanag ko. "I forgave them already. Yes, napatawad ko na sila Mommy. I just want to have the peace and happiness I once had. So, please?"

Her face showed disapproval. She even rolled her eyes on me. And I fought myself to not smile because of it. She looks like a woman in mid-20's when she did that.