Everything Underneath Us

41

S A M A R R A H

"How about the set-up?" Alexies asked as she breastfeed her baby. I visited her on her house a day before Kylene's bridal shower.

I am beyond proud, watching her act like this. Hindi ko alam, siguro dahil naririnig ko mula sa kanila ang mga pangarap nila bilang ina. I was there when they shared their opinions and dream as a mother. They were all excited to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed and witness all their kids' firsts.

Sa amin tatlo, ako lang ang hindi nangarap nang gano'n. I don't feel proud about it, but sometimes when I was alone. A lot of what ifs enter my mind.

What if I didn't kill my child. What kind of a mother I would have been? It scares me. Hindi ko alam kung ikakatuwa ko ba na hindi na ako gano'n natatakot ngayon.  I don't know.

"What set up?" I asked, not breaking my eyes from the child who's peacefully having his milk. His small eyes are close. His tiny nose and lips are both pinkish.

Para itong babasaging manika. Nakakatakot hawakan.

"The bridal shower?" She asked. I nodded and glanced at her. "Oh, I don't know. Yung kapatid daw nung groom ang nagplano."

Hindi na ito nagtanong pa kaya inabala ko ang sarili sa panonood sa munting sanggol. He's quiet, halos tatlong oras na ako nandito pero hindi ko pa s'ya naririnig na umiyak.

Hindi nagtagal ay ibinaba n'ya ang baby sa higaan nito na nasa kama din. I watched her tapped the baby's leg and hummed a lullaby.

A smile unconsciously crept on my lips when the baby stirred. "Is he awake?" I asked. Alexies smiled and shook her head. "He's asleep, Samarrah. Mamaya pa magigising yan."

I nodded and moved closer. "How does it feel?" I asked, curious. Tumingin ito sa akin na para bang hindi naintindihan ang tanong ko. I bit my lip and pursed my lips towards the baby. "How does it feel to be a mother?"

A wide smile showed. Happiness and contentment dominated. "Fantastic?" She was smiling, unsure about the word she muttered.

"I actually don't know." Natatawa nitong sabi. "Halo-halo, pero yung saya na nahawakan mo yung anak mo... Hinding-hindi ko ipagpapalit sa kahit ano."

Napalunok ako nang marinig iyon. Kahit ang mga mata n'ya, pakiramdam ko ay nakangiti din sa sobrang saya. Her eyes are sparkling because of the tears in her eyes but I know it's because of too much happiness.

"Mas masaya yung pakiramdam kaysa nung araw na naging ganap na doktor ako." Sabi nito. "I just loved it. It felt surreal. I wanted to treasure every moment I have with my kid until the day that I die."

Napaiwas ako ng tingin. Dinala ako ng mata sa sanggol na payapa na natutulog.

"Samarrah..." Binalik ko ang tingin kay Alexies nang tawagin n'ya ako. Tipid itong ngumiti, ngunit makikita mo ang malawak nitong pag-intindi. She has that kind of smile. Kapag nakikita mo pakiramdam mo kahit na ano kaya n'yang intindihin. It comforts you.

"How are you?" Mahinahon na tanong nito. I smiled. "I'm better than before, you know before I left."

Kagat labi nitong kinuha ang kamay ko. She sat closer to me and inhaled. "Do you want to meet someone for this?"

"Huh?" I am confused. What is she talking about?

"You know, in my field, there's a lot of cases that exactly look and sound like yours." Sabi nito. Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi nito.

"I'm not saying your mentally illed, Samarrah. It felt like, your mind is too dark." Maingat nitong pagpapaliwanag. "You overthink, you're dependent to everything. You're too scared."