i see him off with a wave, then race upstairs to get ready. i know he said i could take my time, but i really don't want to keep anyone hanging again.
already having an all-black outfit in mind, i dig through my suitcase for my favorite shirt. recently, i've kinda reverted back into my emo phase, but it might just be the depression. for real though, it's so hard to get out of bed and just. take a shower. i doubt my crusty hygiene habits helped me make any friends at my old school, either.
now i swear i'm wearing black in a mysterious tsundere love interest/hot topic bdsm choker/smokes for the aesthetic kinda way instead of a twenty hour long depression nap/i haven't changed for five days kinda way. trust me.
even though it's still ice cold, i hop in the shower and start furiously scrubbing. the water hits my back like hail, so cold it almost feels hot, jolting me awake. i can literally feel the crusty utah energy leave my body and i feel like a fucking god. something about being squeaky clean makes me feel so powerful and in control, it really feels like i have my shit together. maybe my therapist actually is on to something. it's also so nice not having to worry about my goddamn sister yelling at me. i'm home alone right now, so i could take as long as i want, even though i think we're in a drought or something.
i pull on my clothes and give myself one last pass in the mirror, slicking my damp hair back. this short sleeved black button-up has been my favorite recently, it's just a default look to make me feel less shitty about myself. it has a pattern of white lil demon looking things, which is probably the logo of some god-awful garage post-punk band. on the bottom, i just have on some black ripped jeans because ohoho, my confidence hasn't regained that much. i finish it off with the brand new bestie locket and some clip on earrings. actually, i've wanted to get them pierced for a while now but i'm too much of a pussy to do it. for real though, enduring these clip ons probably hurts way more than real ones, so jokes on me, i guess.
the entire fit looks a little too wannabe edgelord try-hard, even for me, but fuck it. leave me alone. i also wanted to put some sort of effort for jensen, even though he probably won't care and he just saw me looking like a greasy 12 year old, but still. you know what, i'm feeling fancy and i'm going all-out. my dad gave me this bottle of cologne as a going away present, and it actually smells pretty good. it's a pleasant citrus scent with a hint of cinnamon, much nicer than the Musky Man scents, you know? i still have war flashbacks to the absolute bombardment of axe body spray every day in the middle school locker room.
i race down the stairs and pull on my beat up black converse. before opening the door, i have to steady my breath, heart pounding out of control already. i need to calm down and definitely don't wanna be all sweaty for jensen. as a final touch, i make sure the two top buttons of my shirt are undone to be a lil SAUCY and show a bit of CLAVICLE rawrr.
-
on the walk over to starbucks, which is literally just down the street on the corner, i start to feel a little melancholy. god, i haven't seen any friends, let alone had any friends for so long, how am i even supposed to interact anymore? i don't have anything interesting to talk about, being sad and lonely is my whole personality. what did we even talk about back then? so much has changed, i doubt we even have stuff in common anymore. i shake my head in an attempt to shake out the negative thoughts. instead, i try to think about how much taylor and jensen care for me, but honestly, it makes me feel worse because i really don't deserve it.
before i can truly indulge in my pity party, i reach the starbucks and look for them inside. taylor finds me and cheerfully waves, jensen at his side sipping a hot cup of tea.
"hey, i already got you a frappe. it's salted caramel."
immediately, my face flushes with embarrassment. i've never done anything to warrant this kindness, unless you count disappearing for a couple years.
"oh...you really shouldn't have."
"nah, don't worry about it."
he coyly smirks at me
"now you owe me one, anyway."
there's only two seats at the table, so i awkwardly scoot a chair over and end up across from jensen. he hasn't said anything yet, but i can tell from the corner of my eye that he can't stop looking at me for some reason. my hair must've gotten fucked up, or there's probably shit in my teeth. suddenly even more self-conscious than usual, i shyly avoid eye contact and run a hand through my hair, hopefully fixing it.
it's kind of awkward for a few seconds, but at least idle chatter and cafe music fills the silence until someone finally speaks.
taylor leans forward onto the table, gesturing in my direction
"so, uh, jiri. you clean up quite nicely."
he elbows the boy to his left
"right, jensen?"
what the fuck is that supposed to mean? flustered, i look to jensen for clues. but judging from the choking and coughing sounds, he's similarly caught off guard by the comment.
clearly amused, taylor continues
"oh yeah, when you walked in, he was like 'holy shit'. couldn't take his eyes off you."
jensen looks like he wants to die, head buried in his arms. i'm also blushing profusely, eyes wide like an idiot.
he glances at the two of us and holds back a smile, then casually carries the conversation as if nothing happened.
"anyways, how was utah? see any cool rocks?"
"uhm, i guess"
i halfheartedly answer, but i'm still not over what he said. taylor's probably just fucking with me, but what if jensen actually said that? and why would he even make that up if he doesn't know i like him. unless he does..?
jensen actually says something now, and hearing his voice makes me blush even harder, somehow.
"oh yeah, i heard you had to go to this mormon school"
he earnestly gazes at me, seemingly fully recovered from earlier's antics. either he's really good at acting or i'm just overacting, which is very possible.
i shudder just remembering that place, countless encounters of strange shit flash before my eyes.
"not gonna lie, everyone there was so weird..."
we sit there chatting and laughing for a while, getting back in the groove of things. apparently, taylor and jensen basically became besties after i moved, but taylor assured me that my "bitchboy-ness" is irreplaceable.
//woooweee i think this is a long one? anyway i am having lots of fun. sometimes i roast myself by saying i have wattpad writing but i am literally. writing on wattpad. so it's ok if it's shit 😁. i think i have an idea of where this story is gonna go so !!!1!//
