NAN CHUN 난춘- SE SO NEON
last train at 25 o'clock- lamp
sleep- night off
hot air balloon 열기구- SURL
wwwe- yoon jiyoung
☀︎
in this life, how do you know who to love and how to do it? some say love is messy, painful- an uneasy compromise where you can't live with them and can't live without them. on the other hand, some say being in love is pure, heavenly bliss where your own skin melts into the soul of your lover, becoming one eternally. i don't know what type of love this is, but i seem to be falling in deeper and deeper every day.
love is... the surge of affection blossoming in my chest like a flowering cherry tree every time i look at him. in class, where he sits to my left and spins his ballpoint pen on his fingertips, brow furrowed in contemplation as his eyes fall somewhere far beyond the classroom. the way he notices my gaze and watches me from the corner of his vision, mouth twitching into the shape of mona lisa's ambiguous grin. at lunch, on the narrow concrete bench nestled under an oak tree sprayed with fiery red-orange leaves, he sits next to me even though there's no room. he sits on the armrests, his shoulder brushing against mine. he sits on the backrest, slinging his legs between taylor and i, resting his elbow on my head. some days he gets there early and i catch him reading a book, totally embroiled in contents as he sits there wide-eyed and absent from reality.
i love the way his well-tailored uniform clings to every muscle and curve, almost as if it was especially made for me to admire him in. i love how he reaches up to fix my collar, wrinkled and askew, and smooths his palms over my chest. he mutters something about dry cleaning, and before i have to remind him that i'm poor (especially compared to him) he winks and says "ill take care of it for you".
how i'm enamored by his presence, his orange-blossom scent intoxicating like a siren's ballad. he stands with his back to me on the crowded train. i can feel my pupils shaping into hearts when i absentmindedly pat down the cowlicks in his hair, but the persistent curls spring right back up. i bend them into a heart atop his head. a beam of sunlight catches on the strands, turning his natural ebony into golden amber. next thing i know, he turns around giggling. the light scatters in his irises, glittering in the same warm glow. everything around us turned into static, until an abrupt halt shook the carriage, flinging him into my torso. this was our stop, but i didn't want to move. his breath was short and sharp on my chest, his blush-tipped ear rested above my rapidly beating heart. 10 seconds pass and i hear the doors start to close. i grab him by the arm and pull us both out on the platform in a flurry of motion. i'm still holding his hand. he looks down and notices too, but doesn't move to change it. i want nothing more than to take his face between my hands and ask him to be mine. 5 more seconds pass as i catch my breath and i can finally squeeze out the words
"do you... want to go to the café?"
if i'm so desperately whipped for all he is, how was i supposed to react? we were together laughing, alone on a decrepit parking lot rooftop at midnight. vape pen half-empty and rolling on the concrete, streetlights sparkling below, cool wind blasting. he grabs my shoulders, squeezes them tight, stares me right down, eyes black like the nighttime ocean. with a flaming burst of energy neither of us knew he had, he kisses me with the impact of a fucking train going 500 miles per hour ramming into my chest. my ears turn red, my heartbeat reverberates in my skull and i feel like i've died. or maybe i just started living. god, how did i get here?
☀︎
- october 29 -
stepping out of the bus stop, the dizzying honks of streetcars already assault my senses. everything just seems too much. too much sound, too much color, too many people. and the day has barely started. secondhand cigarette smoke burns at my throat and i can smell piss on the sidewalk, mixed with the nauseating smell of a hot dog cart at 8 am. how are there so many people with things to do and places to be at the same time as me? i just wish to sit in a grey soundproof box, padded floor to ceiling, and eat nothing but flavorless soylent goop. at least for like, three days until i start missing other people.
