Game For Two

Im really trying (Bella)

The ride home was silent, I didnt say a word I couldnt. There was so many conflicting feelings and emotions flooding me and I didnt even know how to process or deal with them. They caused my anxiety to kicking full force and my chest tightened and I couldnt breath. The Dinner, the dancing it was beautiful. I missed the way his arms feel like around me like that but at the same time, the hurt just wont go away. Did I want everything he said yes. Him and the boys home with me, even the baby and marriage I want it all with him I never stopped but I cant seem to let go. I dont want to be like this, I dont want to feel like this. I would love to think the hurt would just go away and we go off into the sunset and live like the perfect dream life, but its just that a dream. I dont think anything in my life up to this point has scared me like this.

On the drive home I kept catching Joe look at me, I couldnt make out the expression on his face. His eyes almost looked dull and frustrated. I get this isnt easy on him but what he doesnt seem to get is what I am feeling. We were almost home when I felt him grab my hand and squeeze I flinched I didnt even realize I did it till Joey said,

"Baby girl whats wrong you flinched at me?"

"nothing Joe"

"wait hold up you finched at me and called me Joe...you never call me Joe. Bella what is wrong you dont think I was going to hit you or something do you?"

"No I know you better than that"

"Than what is it?"

"I dont know"

He pulled the car into the driveway and turned it off, leaning back in the seat and sighed,

"Bella..Baby talk to me"

"I think we did enough talking tonight, Im tired Im going up to bed."

I didnt want to shut him out I really didnt, but I cant risk putting my self out there just to be hurt again, I figure if I just push back enough Joey would eventually just leave it alone. I walked into my room, Joey still down in the car and fell to the bed, the whole thing made me nausous. I feel the tears slip from my eyes, I hated this. I want to be with him and I just know if I take him back again its just going to end in another disaster. I cant do that to the kids and I cant do that to myself. I dont know how long I just laid there thinking before the bedroom door opened,

"Bella..."

He had this look in his eye I dont even know I cant describe it I instantly sat up,

"Yeah"

"Stand up!"

"Why?"

"I said stand up!"

I dont know what he wanted but another argument or conversation was the last thing I wanted right now so I just stood up. He didnt say a word just walked over and before I could say a word his lips crashed down on mine. The kiss was a kiss I never experienced in my life, it left me breathless. When he pulled back he just looked my in my eyes and instinctively my hand went to my lips, I could still feel his kiss on them.

"Joe.."

"Bella I love you please, tell me you know that that you could feel it in my kiss. I need you, I cant deal one more day doing this without you. Please I'll do anything."

"Joe Im really trying, you think this is easy for me. I look at you or I catch you glance at me and smile and it kills me, like legit kills me that I cant be with you. I cant seem to get past the hurt. I just keep looking at you and seeing the way we were and what could have been and it just hurts to much."