Breaking Mr. Black

21| Euphoric Darkness

ROSE

I spent the night in the guest bedroom because I didn't want Lia to see me this way, to hear me break down without an explanation. My lows were equally as bad as my highs. Right now, at this moment, it felt like someone had pushed a knife into my heart and began rotating it just to enjoy what my face looked like when in pain.

All my life I had been a burden. The people around me would never admit it but that was exactly what I became to them. My disorder was manageable before but after Dylan left all those years ago when he turned eighteen, things went drastically south. I liked to pretend that the abuse I suffered didn't mess with my head but it did.

And when I faced it, when I finally opened that box in my head, that was when my world came crashing down.

I cried myself to sleep, wondering why I had to suffer from so much. It wouldn't be right if I allowed someone else to suffer with me. That was exactly what would happen if I let someone like Sean into my life. He would suffer trying to understand me. He would be hurt by the words coming out of my mouth and by my actions. He wouldn't understand why one minute all I wanted was his company while the next all I wanted was to be left alone. It was a push and pull relationship and I was doing both the pushing and pulling. He was bound to get tired of that.

I was destined to live a life of loneliness.

The muffled sound of the triplets laughing made it to my room. I would never have that. I could never have that happy family because I never wanted to burden my children with what I had. The thought only cemented my decision further. Tossing the sheets off my body, I padded into the ensuite bathroom.

I stood in front of the mirror, bracing my hands on the marble countertop. My eyes were swollen — red and puffy — from crying the entire night and my hair was a bird's nest. My long hair that was once glossy now looked sad, dull, and brittle. Heavy bags hung under my meek blue eyes with dark circles rimming them. I was in a state. My weight had dropped from barely eating but Sean had made sure that I never starved myself completely while in my hyperactive mania. He had been my anchor but he was anchoring a ship bound to sink.

I shuffled through the drawers, trying to find anything that could help me forget the constant pain stabbing at my heart. There was barely anything in this room so when I found a razor I couldn't help but sigh in response. I brought the cool, sharp tip of the razer to the inside of my wrist, tracing the strikingly green vein peeking through my pale skin. If my physical pain exceeded my emotional pain maybe I would feel better, maybe I wouldn't think of everything so much. Maybe my mind would slow down for just a second for me to catch my breath.

I sniffled, blinking the tears away so my sight wouldn't be blurred. Then, I applied the slightest bit of pressure until the razor sliced through my skin. The coppery scent of blood filled the air around me, the crimson sticky substance leaking from the wound. As the blood seeped out, so did a sliver of stress that caused my head to pound.

I moved the blade slightly higher, moving it vertically across my wrist and repeating the action. A whimper left my lips when a jolt of pain traveled up my arm. But the pain equaled bliss. I sunk to the floor, bracing my back against the cabinets in the bathroom and bringing my knees up to my chest. A strangled sob crackled through the air and I did my best to keep the rest down.

I repeated the action just as a knock sounded at the door. The knock startled me, a yelp ringing in my ears when the razor slipped and cut into my flesh too deep. But, maybe that was for the best. Maybe I didn't need to deal with the pain. Maybe all I had to do was give in. Everyone would definitely be better off without me.

"Princess," Sean's voice called, causing me to shrink into myself, "can I come in?"

The door was locked so I stayed silent and waited for him to leave. White dots began invading my vision and I felt tired.