Please Don't Read

July 31, 2021

Today at work was interesting, my boss is having this card party, the card game bridge, at the store after work and I had to set it up. I don't have any problem with that but trying to make sure everything was ready for it was a struggle because this was the real first time I did it mostly by myself. Plus add that I had to do my real job on top of it was so stressful. I am glad I got to do it though, it was a good change of pace. I got to see a friend today after work we just sat and talked, which he really needed, he has been going through some shit lately and he really needed the input because he wants to change but he is having a hard time doing it. I totally get the majority of what he is dealing with he has all this trauma that he doesn't know where to go to and how to fully work it out to make himself better. All we did while I was there was just talk about it and how I can really affect his and the people he calls his friends lives. I hope with him talking about it more offten it helps him work with his demons, because there are a lot of them and I don't even know or understand them all just yet and maybe, hopefully, I never do. Though talking with him has kinda helped me a bit because I know both our problems are pretty different they have been hitting very similar spots of reaction to the trauma we have had, and it makes me feel better I have someone to talk about this with. I love my husband but there are just some things that yeah he gets it, but does he really though and is he really helping me truely heal from what is causing my problems. Because in all honest I'm still struggling with my life. I can't find the up in the forever rushing ocean of life and it keeps pulling me down. I may try so hard to fight the current but some days I'm just swimming deeper and not finding the air I so desperately need, I may find the air pockets here and there but then the air is immediately gone after I barely take a breath in. In all truth the saying "money doesn't buy happiness" rings true because soon after I still feel bad. I just hope me hanging with my friend can help us both and truely help me with my husband because I love him and I need to have the ability to tell him everything he needs to know. But again sitting out on Doordash waiting to start, I'm really happy I have already almost made $70. For only working a max of at least 2 hours at a time. It finally cooled down tonight. After being close to the hundreds and into the 90's its finally in the 70's tonight with a nice cool and soft breeze. I like these summer nights where it's nice and cool. There is almost this mysterious quiet about it and it is just wonderful, it makes me so happy and really miss being the New York country side. Because every night it would quiet except for the tree frogs, bullfrogs, and peepers, the sheep from across the road, the occasional coyote, and the gentle breeze running through the trees right next to the house. I really miss the quite but with my current situation I'm in a city where everthing is paved and even the parks feel so fake. I miss real nature. I miss the nice breeze.