Please Don't Read

October 15, 2021

Being in the mindset where all rationale makes no sense and when you try to be non-rational to try to make sense it ends up kicking you in the butt and just making your time worse. I don't understand why the human brain has to be so complicated when you start getting things better that you have to still freak out even though the situation you're in isn't coherently bad ever. I don't really get why the brain has to be like that. I have struggled with my finances for a very long time, I have struggled since I was a kid because my parents raise me in ewe that they thought they were teaching me that you don't need to buy all these things because well you don't need this all the time you don't need something new and thank fun and fangled. But my parents didn't really think of how a young child would take that idea and process it, in the long run let's be honest it was probably the best idea they ever had is very smart very price smart you know very understanding once you get older. But as that child self I didn't see that and I processed it in a way that caused me to act as it was a trauma, let's be honest it was a trauma in a way but again how were my parents to know that that was a problem. And so here I am at the lovely age 25 struggling with my own finances even though I am perfectly fine, yes I am going paycheck-to-paycheck a little bit but not as bad as I did when I was first starting off and in college it was pretty bad then. I don't blame my parents for everything when it comes to that mindset that I have. I know that they are part of that reason, and that part will never change but putting it in rational terms kind of makes it better. I know I feel like a broken record and you know I keep on saying the same problem over and over and over again. But the more I talk about it and get it out, the more I feel like it actually is getting better and I'm not stressing out as much. I hate being like this, I hate trying to make myself better sometimes. I hate dealing with the stress the annoyance the frustration. I know my husband hates it whenever I deal with all of the problems that I'm dealing with and I don't think he fully understands what I'm going through every day in my head. Because when I talk to him he looks at me and he goes that seems normal why are you freaking out about it that's not a problem to have but in my mind that is a problem that's going on and I know it's stupid but what can I do. So lovely moment where you have to just let it run its course and see what'll happen in the future. For example the last two weeks I have had the most energy I have had for the longest time in my life since I've been an adult. I haven't had this kind of an energy since I was a very small child and it scares me a little bit because I don't know where it came from I didn't change anything whatsoever that's very weird. I'm trying to understand it. But it is nice waking up in the morning and actually being able to do stuff and not want to die every second of the day I've been staying on top of a lot of the projects that I have needed to do. If I can find it I plan on finishing up a few sewing projects that I need to get done so I'm very proud of myself so if I can find the stuff I can get some stuff done and finished. I can't believe a feel a bit better though.