Life's short write it down

youll never look at me the same way ever again

I've never said this and I probably shouldn't because people like me don't belong in society .... if I say this everyone will be scared of me and say im crazy and tell me to go fucking die .....but I don't see why I shouldn't I mean I've got only my boyfriend and I can tell I hurt him more than make him happy. but I try so hard to make him happy because he makes me so happy .I try not to talk so much about my feelings and I post it here so I can get rid of the thoughts but what im trying to say is I don't tell him because he always gets hurt by what I say it's never about him making me sad but he gets hurt that he doesn't know how to help and he gets hurt when I don't tell him. but I don't want any help just want to get these thoughts out of my head .... well as I was saying I have dreams and thoughts about killing people.... and sometimes I hurt myself to get the feeling out... the feeling of cutting someone's skin and seeing the blood drip. I knew I was like this when I was younger I would put my dog in my drawer and I liked how he would cry but I hate myself so much for even admitting that but I only did that once he was scared of me after that . and I would to to be honest .... I took him out after the second whimper I felt so scared of myself so after that happened I put this desire of hurting something onto myself to fill the void I also self harm because of my anxiety and depression ...... Im not that way anymore I don't find joy in it at least it's transferred from me liking the idea of hurting others to liking the pain in hurting myself. I torture myself make myself feel like shit im my own bully .... and to end it I don't know what to do because im just fucking insane and im scared of myself