Dear Augustus | I Never Let Go ✓

01 | Let Your Heart Heal

However hard it may sound, some pain needs burial overnight, forcing your heart to toughen up for tomorrow. So that, you don't miss the possibility of moving on without falling vulnerable under the hands of those who can only cause more pain to your soul.

Falling in love is simple. Letting go of the same is not so. To let go is to say goodbye to the very feeling that pushed you towards a welcoming hello. And somehow, it feels like falling in love all over again. Only the intensity is much stronger. You try sleeping it off or crying a river of what-ifs, but no amount of tossing and turning in bed can erase the memories. The storm only gets fiercer with time as your dimpled smile, the fiery brushes of your fingertips, and the sweet melody of your deep voice are the only dreams that inhabit my sleep.

Letting you go is the most unaccomplished task of my life, but I wonder if it is the only way to heal.

***

There are days of pure bliss when I don't feel the need to listen to any motivational podcast and further drain my mind into believing that it's not in peace. The dull ache of losing a vital part of my growth process is always there. Like when my friends talk about their prospective dates or love interests, I'm dragged to my good old high school days when I was as miserable in my love life as I am now. These are the particular worst days of my life.

On such days I keep myself busy with University assignments or my work at the cafe. Both of them are an integral part of my life. ISU(Iowa State University) will lead me to my dream job, and the work at the coffee house will keep my bank account from drying out.

Work is always a great distraction from the unsettled thoughts that keep plunging me ten feet deeper into the ocean of my memories. Thoughts, my mind is always buzzing with them at odd times like now as I look up intently into his amber eyes. It's been a long time, but still, every time someone with eyes of pure resemblance to yours comes into view, my head explodes with images of the most beautiful yet most painful moments of my life.

Maybe, I'm just homesick but going back to the town makes it worse. In the last three years, a lot has changed in Winsbay, including the fact that it's missing you too. No one knows where you went, not that I wish to know. But on a few lonely nights, I dream about visiting home on my mini cooper and bumping into you. The dream ends on your charming face with those dimpled smiles and golden hair of yours, an unwelcome pain seeping through the cracks of my heart.

These dreams are becoming less frequent but haven't stopped altogether.

Days like today are somewhat bearable as I sit at one of the empty tables in the cafeteria trying to solve some calculus. It's never going to be easy for me. No matter how much I practice, there's always a chance of me messing it up during the exams. The half-eaten sandwich is begging to finish for the last twenty minutes, but I am stuck with this particular integral since this morning. As I keep tapping the pen on my unsolved problem, occasionally groaning out curses at myself for choosing math, my moment is interrupted by one of the guys from the soccer team.

I stop tapping my pen and look up to collide with his amber eyes, the same texture, no difference, not a single tone. This charming boy I have seen many times before but never up close, never close enough to notice the exact color of his eyes. It can be a good thing because now, as I look into his eyes, all the band-aids I had applied over the years are ripped open.

"Are you coming to the party at my place tomorrow night?" Liam repeats, breaking my train of thoughts. They resurface due to the painful similarities he has to someone I can never get rid of in my mind. He shifts restlessly, leaning against my table and running his well-defined hands through his chocolate brown messy hair.