Dear Augustus | I Never Let Go ✓

12 | Where My Heart Belongs

The wreckage has seeped into my soul. In another life, when not torn between two timelines, love would be a beautiful letter, written in cursive with red, pink, and purple glitters or scented with the fragrance of roses and tulips. It would be a soft melody of heartbeats and a slow waltz of floating souls. Instead, it's the searing fire of painful goodbyes, a song of anxious feelings, and an unfettered flow of emotions.

At this moment, I feel connected to all of it, not one or the other. But at some point, my heart will make a choice, and I wish it's worth all this pain. Because while I miss the sunshine of your amber irises and symphony of your dimpled smile, I'm drawn unceremoniously to the moonlight in Adrian's emerald eyes and the storms of passion in his touches. And I'm afraid to lose either of them.

I know I can never let go.

But I have to someday.

***

August wind brushes over my face as I lean against my apartment balcony, my fingers clasped tightly against the mug of green tea and my eyes looking up at the looming clouds. They have stolen the warm glow of the early morning sun rays, and I'm sure my spirit crawls back in the dark corner as my mom's hushed through the line. I hear a door closing as she finally releases a sigh and speaks in her usual pitch.

"I'm glad you're coming home," mom says as I ease out my hold on the mug. I took a sip, wincing at the bitter taste. "Your Dad's doing fine. The new prescription seems to be working more effectively."

"I'm afraid," My voice trembles, tears bubbling. "I might end up crying in front of Dad. Why am I not strong enough, mom?"

"Hey, sweetie," Mom coxes from the other end, her voice a sweet lullaby. "It's okay to cry. You love him, and he needs you, your smiles, your bossiness, and your cries too. And crying doesn't make you weak."

"Yeah," I mumble through my shaking lips and spit the tears. "I'll be there next week."

"Is Adrian coming home with you?" She asks, and I go still. When I don't respond for a long minute, she snorts and sighs. "You guys had another fight, didn't you? I hope it isn't as big as last year."

It's the third time she has mentioned Adrian within the last five days. It's been that long since either of us has made any effort to resolve our feelings. The night I left him outside of his apartment, knowing he would go back to Charlotte still burns in my memory. He sends me good morning and good night messages every day, but I don't respond to either of them.

At college, it gets almost difficult to avoid him when he doesn't make an effort to engage. And with Charlotte taking my place permanently, I'm sure it's just a matter of time until my patience wears out. I haven't missed the challenge in Adrian's eyes. He's playing mind games with me by being the obnoxious prick that he is.

"I think he has a big game next Saturday. So, he might not be coming home with me."

"Oh," Mom sounds unconvinced, but I'm right about this one. Even though we don't talk, we know things about each other out of habit or curiosity. I'm not sure. "I have to drop off, sweetheart. It's time for your Dad's medication. I'll talk to you tonight." She ends the call with a kiss, and I place the device over my heart, releasing a sigh.

Dad's fine.

The new prescription seems to be working more effectively.

A smile cracks upon my lips, the first one in a long, long time.

***

"Why do I have to wear this?" I wave my hand at my reflection in the mirror. I look alien to myself and tug at the hem of my short black strapless dress. Olivia gifted me this dress on my twenty-first birthday, and it has been hanging in my dresser since then. I wonder how I ever got convinced to join her because going to a party is the last thing to do at the moment. First, the last time I was in one, the heartbreak I had to bear still lingers inside me.