Dear Augustus | I Never Let Go ✓

19 | A Song To Remember

I lose myself in the soft melody of the guitar chords and your voice. Somehow, it's faint to my ear, but it's the only balm to my heart. No, I'm not suffering from heartache or even heartbreak. It's somewhere between these two, a dull humming of my heartstrings, a numb feeling surrounding my soul. I prop one knee under my chin and wipe the tangled curls from my eyes.

It's getting dark, and I can see streaks of gray over the horizon from where we are sitting on the window ledge. It reminds me of the day three years back when you first introduced me to this place. In this exact place, I fell in love with you, Augustus. Is this it then? Is this a sign, a full circle? Back then, I believed we were fated. If that assumption still holds, then why am I not feeling the same amount of excitement I felt?

Maybe it's because I'm losing a part of myself to Adrian. Yes, I won't allow myself to regret any moment I spent with him. I won't lead myself to think that they were nothing. That would be cheating.

It's been two weeks. Adrian's playing soccer matches at Iowa and ignoring me just fine. Olivia has called me ten times, and every time I couldn't give her a reason why I am extending my stay. It's not like I can do that forever. I have to return, my finals being the reason.

The truth is - I am not sure what I'm running from at the moment. The only thing that gives any relaxation is my job at my Dad's firm. It keeps me busy and away from all the hurricanes crashing inside my head.

Today, Adrian was supposed to take me on a date. I took a promise from him, and I made him break that promise. How can I ever recover from the guilt that I asked him to kiss me, and then I kissed you, Augustus? My mind drifts back to the conversation I had with my mom at the breakfast table this morning.

"Adrian called me last night."

I sip my coffee silently while my heart thrashes wildly inside my chest. Adrian talks to my mom but hasn't sent a single text since the night he climbed out of my window.

Mom sighs, gauzing my face for any reaction, but there's none. "He was asking about you."

My internal organs whine with excitement, and I gulp down a mouthful of hot coffee to subside that. "What did Adrian ask?"

She raises her brow at me then clears her throat. I'm sure, by now, everyone in both our families knows about the tension between us but is modest enough not to bring it up. "He wanted to know how you're doing."

He hasn't stopped caring for me. Adrian still thinks about me.

"Is he doing fine?" Words rush out of my mouth before I can think of anything else to ask or listen to.

"He's drafted to a team." She says with a proud smile, and with the information she just shared, I feel equally thrilled.

I'm so damn happy for him, like the kind he names as dancing-on-air happy with the likelihood that he isn't moping over a girl who broke his heart but rather moving on with his dream. He will be okay even without me. God, it pinches my stomach that I can't be part of his happiness, but I can live with it. He needs to move on and be happy.

Afraid of breaking into tears in front of mom, I nod at her then head upstairs to my room. My steps pause at the last of the stairs when I hear the soft voice of my mom.

"Just give him some time, Violet." She says eyes fixed on mine. "You know he will come along. He always does when it comes to your friendship."

This time he won't come along because I've ruined that chance for us.

Yes, I drown in sadness every time those green eyes sparkle to life. Adrian's doing fine without me- I tell myself every morning as I search my phone for any calls, voice messages, or even a text. But I have to stop doing that if I want him to move on. So, I push his images aside and let your song lull me back to the surface.