Dear Augustus | I Never Let Go ✓

04 | Need To Move On

It's an open house party. The random swarm of boys and girls keeps sweeping in through the front door, and I recognize most of them from university. The house is getting crowded every passing minute, the air hazy with smoke. I'm already suffocating, if not the crowd, then definitely due to the look Adrian is giving me.

Since I've arrived at the party, Liam has been kept away from me by his captain. Of course, that's what Adrian does. He keeps sabotaging my chances with guys like Liam. No strings attached, no commitment type. But I don't want anything other than that either. I've tried falling for the other, and it left me with a sore heart. The love which lasts forever, I can't imagine having that with anyone who isn't you, Augustus.

Then there's this ugly anxiety in my chest that keeps howling from within. In the evening, while I was getting ready for the party, my mom called. She had an unexpected edge on her voice. It almost made my heartbeat stop. For a second, her desperate sighs turned my stomach, and I wanted everything to shut down. But then, when she said we're still waiting for the test results, I felt my heartbeat once again.

"They want to do another MRI tomorrow morning," Mom's voice was shaky and low. "It's still too early to confirm if it's a tumor or not. Your dad seems to disregard the possibility, but I'm scared."

I swallow the lump forming up in my throat and press a hand against my chest to subside the dull ache. I hope my dad's test results turn out negative. He's too young to have cancer. I want him to be there when I need my dad, and I need him in every important decision of my life. I need him. Mom and Daisy need him.

The thick feeling crawls up my throat. I force myself to find something, anything among the flickering green and red neon lights, the smell of alcohol, booming noise of the bass, and bodies moving, grinding against each other, but nothing takes away the pain. Not even the electrifying vibrations of the music thumping through my bones.

The world around swirls faster, and I feel tangled up in a heap of chaotic emotions. I shouldn't have agreed to be here. It's not the place or time for me to be here. Parties had never been my choice of places, but then one look at the girl across the hall, dancing and laughing through her heart, one can tell there's nowhere else Olivia would rather be.

My fingers fist on the soft fabric of the wrap dress I'm wearing. Olivia chose this dress for me, a little too perfectly hugging the dips and curves of my body, exposing enough skin around my neck and thigh down. I would have never agreed on wearing it if it wasn't in a shade of deep violet.

I look down at the punch in my solo cup, and I assume it has been spiked and, without giving another thought, gulp it down in one go. The burning sensation that follows isn't enough to take away the panic grating against my heart and mind. When I move to the back corner of the room, I feel the warm salty liquid dripping down my cheek, and I wipe them with the back of my hand. I can't lose my shit in public.

Save it for later.

The first person my eyes search for comfort is the boy with an everlasting scowl on his face, messy brown tuft sitting haphazardly on his head, the black T-shirt hugging his broad shoulder perfectly, paired with black jeans. A black chain hangs down his neck with the dog tag necklace. My lips tip upward with the knowledge that it's my gift he's wearing tonight. The one I gave him on his twenty-first birthday, one year back when we were still each other's comfort.

Oh, God! I crave his comfort every single day. As I stand awkwardly against the wall, I wish he walks toward me and lets me know that I'm not alone. Why do I always crave people I love to stay by my side when they don't want to?

As an add-on to my misery, I watch Charlotte brushing past me intentionally and going straight to the soccer team. The moment she looks over her shoulder and gives me one of her mean girl smirk, I feel like showing her my middle finger, but I give her a tight-lipped smile instead. The image of her kissing Adrian on his cheek after the last game flashes in front of my eyes. She bends down, holding the back of the couch, and kisses his cheek. My eyes lock into his green ones as Charlotte says something in his ears and sits on his lap.