Dear Augustus | I Never Let Go ✓

11 | Feelings You Have For Me

Sometimes all you need to know is that there's this one person, who no matter what, stands by your side not just when you're in need but always. And I'm afraid I might lose that someone. I need to make amends before it's too late and the crack becomes irreparable.

Olivia comes home to find me with a bucket of blueberry ice cream on our couch. One Day runs in the background, and the only light in our living room comes from the tv screen.

She doesn't freak out. Instead, she picks up a spoon from the cabinet, sits down beside me, and starts eating the almost melted ice cream from my bucket until it's empty. Then we sit beside each other for as long as I take to recollect my hazing mind.

Olivia plays with my single hoop earring as I place my head on her lap and waits for me to talk. I'm wearing Adrian's jacket, and his words are still ringing in my ears like an inner monologue running on replay.

"I think Adri has feelings for me," I finally break the silence. My fingers play with the zipper of the jacket.

She looks down at me with her lips parted. "All this suspense for that. I thought, Adrian proposed you, and you said no."

I sit up, almost instantly glaring at her. "It's not funny, Liv. Why would you say something like that?"

"Yeah, you're right. It's not funny, Adrian's your best friend. You don't feel anything for him. Your heart still belongs to Augustus." She skates her tongue over her teeth and pulls my head back on her lap. "I get all these. So, what's the big deal here if Adrian has feelings for you. He cares for you, V."

"You don't understand, Liv. If he has feelings for me, and if it's more than what friends feel for each other, then it's not going to end well." I sigh, looking at the white-washed ceiling.

We remain silent for a long time as her fingers ease some of the tension from my scalp. I close my eyes for a brief moment. If I end up hurting Adrian, it will break my heart. I have to fix everything while I still have time. And there's this slightest bit of possibility that I'm wrong about his feelings towards me. Either way, I have to talk him out of it. My heart starts thrumming inside my chest.

"You should talk to him before it's too late. Tell him you don't feel the same way and will probably never feel the same way." She leans her head back and relaxes her shoulder.

"Can I do that without hurting him?" I gnaw on my bottom lip, my fingers feel cold, and my chest caves.

"It's the only way," Olivia shrugs, her eyes focus on the screen instead of me. "since you don't have feelings for him, it shouldn't be a problem, or do you?"

I can't lose my best friend because of my selfish emotions. I can never be more than friends with him, not when I can't give my heart to him.

"Vio?"

"Huh," I snap out of my trance and find her looking at me with raised brows.

"You don't have feelings for him, right?"

"No, I don't," I say, closing my eyes as the words knot my stomach.

"Well, that sounded different in my mind, but if that's the truth, then I'm with you." She squeezes my shoulder reassuringly, and I don't miss the disbelief in her eyes. She thinks I'm lying to her and myself.

Am I lying to myself?

After a thoughtful minute, Olivia says, "Tell him not to be sad about it. I'm willing to date him instead of Noah any day."

I push off her lap and toss a pillow at her when a message pops up on her phone. It's from Noah.

She purses her lips as I cross my arms and flash a grin.