When The World Stops

The scent of paint

Skinny love by Bon Iver

Namjoon unbuttoned his collar and shrugged out of his heavy coat, he was tired. Letting his coat slip to the floor and shoes removed haphazardly he lay down on his bed, the duvet crinkling beneath his weight. Today was exhausting, the hours and hours of drilling dance steps into his head at the same time he drained all his ideas out...god, he needed a drink. Usually on days like this he would meet up with A-Rin and the both of them would eat or she would just put him on video call and listen to him rant for hours on end as she painted. But that was all in the past, while his heart missed her presence his head crowded with memories of her.

It had only been a month knowing her, only a month since she's come to be a part of his life that now he forgot what he used to do before she came along. Her absence was heavy and very much noticeable. It was raining outside and he knew in a few more weeks it would snow and the year would soon end. God, it's been a year? A mirthless laugh slipped past his lips. This year has been nothing but painful, 2020 was supposed to be their year, they were at their peak and they were supposed to be living it. It was hard enough they couldn't see their family because of their work but their concerts made up for it, their fans were everything to them but now...that was taken away from them too. It took a mental toll on everyone, especially the younger ones. No one knew when Jin would be enlisted and all they could do right now was work and produce better content for the people who made them the most happy.

He got off his bed realising sleep was far from taking him and he forced himself to smile. Things would get better so he had to stay strong. Yeah, he lost a person he deeply connected with, he was hurting her and he hated himself for it but life goes on and so should he. This wasn't the end, he knew that it wasn't. They would get their stage back, they would continue to break more records and continue to be the first of many things but this tiny itch in his heart would never leave. Because she was there to celebrate with him, to hold him, to make fun of him all while not asking for anything but his friendship. She was the one who inspired him, who constantly told him he was doing his best and he should be proud. That itch would never leave because it was all the what if's and what could have been's if he was just strong enough for the both of them, if he was just honest about his feelings, then maybe she would be here next to him.

'Prioritise namjoon, what did you sacrifice to get here?'

'A lot.'

'You're throwing it all away for a random woman?'

'She's not random, She's-"

'Fate?' Namjoon grit his teeth as he stared down at his feet hating how his manager was talking as if he knew her, as if he knew anything about them.

'You getting here was fate, all you boys coming together was fate..but love? no, don't fool yourself Namjoon. You're just lonely.'

He pulled his bicycle from its chain and hopped on it. His hair whipped in the freezing cold wind, the light drizzle landed on his cheeks as if repeating her words 'it's okay to cry.'

He wanted to yell at his manager, at his company and all the old geezers who used them for whatever brought them the most money. It hurt what he said, it hurt because it was the truth. A-Rin filled this void in his heart he didn't realise was there and now that she wasn't anymore, it was like a very obvious flaw in him. Nothing was same since Achasan mountain and nothing would ever be after their long stroll through the city that seemed awake for only them.

His heart soared around her, he felt alive and for once in a long time he felt normal, like another twenty six year old guy. But it ended before it could even start and Namjoon was lost, not even adding another song into his secret folder would help him because there were no words to describe the sparkling feeling bubbling in his chest.

'Do you really want to give all of this up for her?'

'Why do I need to give something up? why can't I just be happy?' He mumbled, his manager scoffed leaning back in his chair. 'This kind of fame...it's never been held by someone before Namjoon. It's a blessing.'

'It's my effort.'

'And you want to throw it all away, disappoint your family, the boys, your fans only for momentary happiness.'

'You know nothing.'

'But I know you and I know you'd end up regretting it if it affected your career.' Namjoon said nothing.

'You know I'm right. Let her go Namjoon, it's what's best for the both of you anyway. You wouldn't want her to be poked and prodded by the media, would you.'

'Even if she's just a friend?'

'Did you not see what happened to jungguk's tattoo artist? she was stalked, trolled and ridiculed...she lost her job namjoon and she had nothing to do with him.'

As much as he hated to admit it, he was right. The poor woman did not deserve this and all she did was do her job. Even if A-Rin was seen laughing next to him, the public would misinterpret it and names and insults would be thrown. She didn't deserve this. She deserved so much better and that was what namjoon would not be able to give her. His job prevented that from happening, it was selfish of him to still think he could hold onto her, after all it was just his heart doing the flips. It would learn to stay still too.

The downpour was almost gone, the occasional wetness which seeped through his coat only gave him a sense of comfort. He didn't want anything his manager said happening and if staying away from her will guarantee it, he'd do it in a heartbeat. All he wanted was for everyone around him to be happy, his brothers, his mom, dad, even his annoying sister, monnie and he wanted A-Rin to smile always, laugh, create because that was who she was, unapologetically her. He would miss it, her soft hands with the occasional callus she was self conscious about, her soulful ocean eyes with a small puddle of hurt he wanted to drain, her messy hair and freckled skin he wanted to caress, the scent of paint which loved her just as much as he did. He didn't realise it while it was happening but under the slight rain and the flashes of lightening everything was clear. Namjoon was insanely in love with her, everything about her.

But people don't always get what they wanted. No, that wasn't life.

***